I don't know why I'm writing this, it's probably not worth you reading. I don't cut myself; I don't think I ever could. The worst I do is beat on my arms and legs, make bruises and swollen spots. My problems don't deserve to be compared to the people on this site who have faced rape, abuse or other real challenges. I'm just a whiny teenager with no friends; a loser.

I live on a farm near a small town with a small class; I've had the same class from kindergarten to grade twelve. It should be so easy to fit in after 12 years, but I can't. I'm so stupid. Ever since I was little I just felt like it was normal to feel separate from everyone else, like watching TV, life happens to other people, but not me. I had a few friends, they didn't like me though, beat me up once. They would stand in a circle and push me out. They tell me I'm stupid, I dress weird, my stories are boring. They're only trying to help me, I guess.

Life was the same all the way to grade eleven, when I started wanting to be like them. I began calling them on weekends to see what was going on. The first time they let me hang out with them, we played drinking games. It was great! After that they started just saying they weren't doing anything and I would find out on Monday that they went to some party or drove around town, nothing I would be interested in.

Halfway through grade 11 everything changed. Trying to get involved I decided to go into town for a basketball game. The girls ignored me for better people. I decided to leave early, but as I was leaving the visiting boys team wanted to talk to me, one of them got my email address. He was so nice to me, acted like I was as good as other people. He was even popular in his town, but he still wanted to talk to me! We eventually began dating. It was great. Now that I felt like a real person, I wanted my friends to let me be one. I started forcing them to take me with them. It didn't go well, after a while they wouldn't even talk to me, if I sat next to them they would move away immediately. They finally explained to me that I wasn't a full friend and that when they wanted me around they would invite me.

I spent the rest of the year alone, even my boyfriend lived too far away to visit more than once a week. He had his own friends, his own parties, all the things I'm obsessed with doing but can't. He says it's no big deal, I'm not missing anything. I hate him for it sometimes. I hate myself for it more. I hate the person I've let myself become. The loser. I love him so much, please don't miss that, and he loves me. I cried to him, told him how lonely I was. He was nice at first, after a while I was just frustrating. He said I had nothing to cry about. I guess he knows more about real problems than me because his mom is dead. I don't think he loves me when I cry, so I stopped. If I felt the need to cry I would sneak to the bathroom and hit myself until it goes away. Now I do it all the time, sometimes until I can barely walk. I pinch or bite myself when I can't leave. I don't want him to think I don't want him to have friends, he can't know. I guess that's why I could never cut myself, he would find out. It's not worth worrying him over.

Anyway, thanks for reading this, listening to my whining and bitching. I'm just a whiny teenager with no friends and no real problems, but I wanted to get it out.