i am at home, talking on the phone with my best friend. the next thing i know, i'm in a cop car. the next thing i know i am in a hospital. the next thing i know i am in a small, rubber padded room. the next thing i know, i am in a gurney, onto an ambulance, and i am crying, wondering what was happening, even though subconsciously i did know. when i look up, i see two guys. i try to talk; they say nothing. then i am in two big doors; then two even bigger doors, metal thick locked doors, and it is like 4 in the morning. they bring me to a room with three beds, the middle one occupied. "this is your bed" the nurse tells me. the girl in the next bed smiles, says her name is toni. the next thing i know i am awake in the room and getting my shoes on to go to the cafeteria. there are lots of kids here, and the boys hall is right next to ours; ours, what a word. the next thing i know, i am introducing myself to everyone. the next thing i know, i am talking with the doctors, taking different meds, and given orange socks. next thing i know, i am remembering last night in the big doors. "FairFax" said this sign. hmm........ the next thing i know, i am back in semi-reality, and i am walking back in the ward. the next thing i know, i am asking toni where am i? she says fairfax, a mental facility, in the adolescent ward. how, oh how, i said, over and over.... the next thing i know, i am hysterical, in my room, searching for anything... i take a plastic fork and break it, and i am cutting words in my arm... tanya, rachel, fame, hate life, die, etc. the next thing i know, i am in a new rubber room, this one locked as well, only with a bed.

the next thing i know, i am back on a gurney, into another ambulance. the next thing i know, i am walking through the two doors that would be the next two years of my life. the next thing i know i am meeting a tall black guy saying "hi i'm james i'm your advocate. the next thing i know, i see my mom, and strange people. the next thing i know, i am in a room, a little bigger than the rubber room, and it is my own room, with a window, bed and closet. the next thing i know, i am in the quiet room (rubber room), screaming and pounding my head against the door. the next thing i know, blood is dripping all down my savaged face. the next thing i know some like mexican dude named pete was there talking to me telling me i don't know what i want and i am very angry because technically... he's right. the next thing i know i am upstairs in the classroom doing tests and i find out my knowledge level is a lot higher than i thought. the next thing i know, i am yelling, saying mean things to bruce, the teacher, and running down the stairs, james and michelle and gloria and john and everybody restraining me. i wake up in the quiet room; they're talking about privileges and blublublu... the next thing i know i am in the shower with a staff watching me, sleeping in the hallway, staying on the milieu all day all night in staff sight; line of sight (LOS). the next thing i know my sweater is around my neck, and again there's pete. i wake up in my bed in the hallway, disappointed. the next thing i know i am getting better. i am talking to my therapist michelle and case manager john; "I want to get better" i say... the next thing i know i am better, in my room and everything... the next thing i know, i am home.

the next thing i know, i am crying... it is jacquie's birthday, my little sister, turning fourteen. i am in our room upstairs, cutting. the next thing i know, i am gone, gone into happy land... the next thing i know, i am back in semi-reality, listening to the cars go by, going to school, taking the bus, but the next thing i know i am still gone...