Hi I'm just a girl, 23 years old... and I've been cutting and beating meself since I was 13-14... This is how it started... (or... a piece of the big jig-saw puzzle...)

I will try to be honest (for meself...)
I can't really tell when or why it started. I'm from a nice and supportin' family...
my life should be perfect...
It really should.
When I was 12 and startin' in a new school I was been bullied by the other kids (and teachers)... *BADLY*
And one day (I was in the library, as usual...) lookin' for a book (what else?) and I got the hold of one and in this book there lay a razor blade (a new one) they don't belong in books so I wonder who put it there?
But it was like it "called" for me... it was destiny that I should find this book... it was fate...
I borrowed the book an took "my" razor blade... The book I don't remember, it didn't give me anything but the razor blade have been a faithful companion ever since...

Now these days my first razor blade lies in a beautiful red little box and I got others...
I don't even know if I belong here...
Writin? this...
I just cut my arms...and mostly the left arm...nobody knows...not even my parents...
And then I beat my body with a hammer or a spanner...
It's my dark secret and I've don't know what's gonna happen when someone finds out...
Sometimes I have periods when I hold up and don't cut or beat meself...
but then my eatin' problems returns...
And they are so much harder to coup with...
I get angry and tired and freezin'...
The razor blades and the cuttin' give me a feelin' of relief and calmness...
It takes away my pain...
I know it sounds stupid but it's true...

Thank God for Tom Petty's music by the way...
It helps me to...

"And all 'round your island There's a barricade. It keeps out the danger, It holds in the pain. And sometimes you're happy, Sometimes you cry. Half of me is ocean, Half of me is sky." - from the song "walls"
on "she?s the one" album

And I think that lissen to him is better than cuttin' meself...
and sometimes he can actually take me back without me needin' to cut and bleed so badly...

I don't really got anything else to write... just take care of yourself...