My name is Gretchen, i wrote my story about a year and a half ago, it will help if you read it first if you haven't... this is the rest up to date

i was 14 then, and i will be 16 in a little less than a week, a lot has happened... i'll start right after I wrote the first story... so, i am no longer diagnosed with just depression. i lived in ohio then, i moved to North Carolina at the end of november. in that time I started hearing voices more and more and cutting more and more, i was hospitalized twice in those 3 months, my medications were constantly switched, well i was only on one thing at a time then, now i take i think 13ish pills aday. my parents split it was decided that i could stay up there with a friend whose family was mine, well then i went in the hospital the second time... and they made me move down here to north carolina...

i had a horrible long time adjusting... i haven't ever liked the counselor that i still have, i started off having counseling once a week for an hour, and a psych appointment once every couple of weeks... was diagnosed bipolar

i cut... a lot, more in places i hadn't cut before, and deeper

in january 04 i was hospitalized again.... in Holly Hill... i believe it was for a week, this place was a real mental hospital, the place i was in twice in ohio was a youth services unit in a normal hospital, the experience was very different, in holly hill, no jewelry whatsoever, not even a watch, no shoelaces, drawstrings, anything with a hood, piercings, no pencils or pens in your room, no zippers on pants or shirts, i couldn't wear my kurt cobain shirt, girls and guys in separate wings of the hospital, no hairties unless you have a doctors order, no spiral notebooks, no candy or gum, makeup, no anything... it was not fun, but of course it is not meant to be

before i went in that time, i cut the worst i have, I regret it now, for where i chose to do it, my chest, I never got stitches, although it definitely needed it, my aunt is not that smart medical wise and so i didn't go get stitches, the worst one is still horrible, that mederma, stuff for scars, it didn't really help, then again i used it late on, i regret it, because i think it will be hard to explain to anyone who may ever see and doesn't already know, a doctor told me the only way to ever make it go away is plastic surgery, to cut out the scar and stitch up the new hole... the worst part, for me that first time in holly hill was that the nurse had to change the dressing on my cut... 3 times a day, in this little creepy doctors office like looking room, it was uncomfortable, she was a stranger. well i got out... and went back in in march

that time i was in for 3 weeks... it was the last time

the worst part of any of the medical hospital stuff, is well two things, the times that they do full body searches for cuts, and my meds

now i am on zoloft one 100mg once a day ( it doesn't do anything), seroquel two 50mg 3 times a day & one and a half 300mg at night, lithium 450mg morning(one pill) 750mg at night (2 pills) so that is 11 1/2 plus a vitamin

so the last time i cut, a couple months, i don't know the precise day
yeah i still have urges but some how i get past them i get afraid that i don't know who i am, medication is a mask, i know i am under it, when it goes away i come out, who i am, on my own but i can't not take my meds, 'cause i know what happens, hallucinations, worse urges,

yeah i am bipolar, the meds are supposed to kinda make things more grey, bipolar is more of a black and white thing, manic or depressed, i still have my manicy times and my depressed times as well

well, i see my psych every 3 months ish, i have to get blood test that often as well for my lithium level.. I see my counselor/therapist 3 times a month for ? hour at a time

i suggest to anyone who wants to listen, it is a big step to ask for help, you may not be completely honest but eventually you will have to, starting with yourself. when it comes to wanting help, the hardest part is actually doing something about it, i did, nothing happens overnight, i have been dealing with the actually getting help part for a year and a half

my friends are wonderful, supporting and understanding, without them, well i don't know, they have helped me through it

you are never alone