I don't remember the exact date it began. i was in a bad mood and heard about cutting and decided to give it a go. at first i used scissors and compasses and any other shard object i could find. my friend noticed and confided in me that she also cut herself. we promised each other to stop. but it wasn't that easy. its like a plague.. its an illness...a disease. The adrenalin and release it gives you is irreplaceable. the bloody pouring and rolling down your arm feels like nothing I've ever known.

eventually I found something sharper. i took blades out of pencil sharpeners. its amazing how sharp they actually are. i barely pressed just to test how sharp it really was and it was a tiny scratch as if i twig or something scraped past my wrist but then a few moments later blood poured from the spot where i cut. this fascinated me the slow reaction so i did it over and over seeing how long it would take and before i knew it i had cuts all over my arms and hands, which have left visible scars. the scars look so cool but its a reminder of cutting so i will never get it out of my mind.

it wasn't long before i spiralled into depression. it sounds pathetic like oh yeah right you were just upset and in a bad mood but i did research depression its symptoms etc and 5/5 places i would look for information confirmed i had depression. although I'm too scared to seek help from family or a doctor. I'm to ashamed. every night i make more cuts sometimes for a reason sometimes just because i feel crappy. i even scared my best friend by telling him when he woke up i would be gone. he knows of my depression. i then asked him if he woke up and i was dead would he blame himself. he responded with yes. this i couldn't understand. how can anyone blame themselves for something so uncontrollable. humans can be so stupid sometimes. i want to die. i just don't have the ourage to leave this world. i don't know what will happen when i die. is there life after death? or is that it? i often wonder.. once I'm gone am i really gone? is there a such thing as spirits.would i be able to go and look over my friends and help them to be happy?

much of these thoughts are construed because of a friend who recently committed suicide. i still miss him with all my heart and wherever he is i wish i was there with him. he jumped off a tower. but i sit there wondering... what if he changed his mind after he jumped?! its not fair!! I'm so messed up and only 2 people REALLY know... they guy i mentioned earlier and my other best friend who is going through a similar thing. one other person has a faint idea but doesn't know the extent...
self harm is not an answer... it makes things worse. find other ways to deal. this way sucks. i just wanna die...