2004 has been a hard year, im one of those girls you see and are around and dont think they would have any problems or whine to be the center of attention. but sometimes its a calling out, a calling for someone to help. ever since i was younger i was picked on. i was smaller then everyone else and i had curly hair which didnt help. throughout middle school all my friends would just stop talking to me out of nowhere so i really dont trust people anymore and when my little cousin died i had a hard time and everyone just made fun of him when they found out how he had died, he fell off his bike and was run over by a garbage truck, he was only 4 years old. so ever since then i've had a hard time.

last year i met a guy and we started dating and it has been 1 year and 3 months now and we're not the normal couple. we argue a lot but over little stuff but when we arent we are always happy. our first summer together my best friend started telling people that he was cheating on me with her and his best friend said he thought it was true i believed my boyfriend over them because they have a history of lying and starting stuff. well i hate both of them now and he doesnt understand why and this is where the problems began. i started to get really upset a lot and i got anxiety attacks a lot. i had to go to the doctors and i have a hormone imbalance where my body makes me overly stressed. i cry a lot which is how i let out any emotion, it makes me feel better and then i discovered cutting.

when my family and my boyfriend were mad that i always cried i started to cut myself... always with a razor and not deep. i dont wanna try and die. i like to make a slice just enough for it to bleed so it'll take my mind off the mental pain because i rather be in physical pain then mental. my boyfriend and a few friends know and my boyfriend doesnt say much only to tell my psychiatrist because its messed up and i really need help. and my friend tries every way possible to understand me and why im upset. cutting is just a relief of stress to me. it's been built up for so long that i cant hold it in. the other day actually i was playing online and the kid that i hate now (my boyfriends best friend) was on but it was his friend and he wouldnt leave me alone so i started stuff with him and he ended up saying how i was a huge whore and that i cybered with people online and i deserve to cry and i need to cry and my boyfriend was really mad and it ended up him being mad at me for starting crap. his "best friend" had always started stuff with me and always did/said mean stuff to me like that he was gonna gang bang me with his friends but my boyfriend either didnt believe me because he thought i was over exaggerating, thought i started stuff first, or always said he was joking. he says bad stuff like that to me all the time so i start stuff with him as well.

when all this happened i broke down, and it was the first time that i actually cut myself hard. to a point where i cried cause it hurt so bad and that it was bleeding faster then normal, its definitely not serious. me talking to many people about whats going on with me is me crying out for help and no one is hearing me. i never tell anyone i cut except for my boyfriend and my friend. I know that i need help but i also know that people need to understand more and thats why im posting this... when my boyfriend didnt understand at all and just got mad and said i had problems it hurt really bad, it hurt more then anything. we all need someone to talk to and i luckily have a friend who's willing to help me. i know that we all need to find another way to let out stress, aggravation and more. my screen name is alittlecut and my email is alittlecut@hotmail.com thanks