Hi All! Well here I am! I have been cutting myself for 14 years now, I am 28 yrs old. I remember the first time pretty clearly. Sitting on the floor in my room. I should have been outside, it was so sunny. I don't recall being angry or upset about anything. It was strange, something triggered me to gett up, walk in the bathroom and take a razorblade and drag it across my forearm. I felt euphoric! It was a catharsis! Whatever pain I had, seeped out through the blood. Many years passed and the cuts became deeper, along with the pain afterwards. I feel so empty, like I am not even alive at times. Sort of like "void", just there, like nothing. I look at pictures of myself and wonder "Who is that happy, beautiful woman, where did she go???"
The hatred I have for myself and my body is so intense that it scares me. The out of body experience and control I have while cutting and stabbing is amazing, yet terrifying. Why would God make someone do this? I deserve it. Maybe I am a shitty person. I have put my family (the three people who truly love me) through a lot of pain, frustration, and confusion. I dragged them down to hell with me. Now I am alone here because I tell them "I don't do that anymore." I blatantly lie to the loving faces of the people I care about more than anything. One time I told them a cat scratched me! Are you joking, whatta have a fucking tiger living with ya?? Ha, nice daughter and sister-asshole. This is when I realized, yes after so long, that this must stop for me. I can not continue going to different area hospitals with made up stories of why I need stitches in unusual places on my body.

I leave you all with this: Two nights ago I went to a bar and started to feel an extreme hatred of myself that needed to be taken care of immediately-you know how that goes. Someone behind me dropped a drink on the floor and I had my eye on the glass for about 10 minutes. My boyfriend goes outside for a cigarette (I practically kicked him in the ass to go) so I could go for the glass (discreetly, I thought). I put it on the table by my bag and turned to see if anyone saw me. Turned back and it was gone! I was pissed off at first. Then I saw the girl next to me glance at me with a strange but sweet smile. I was blown away! Who is that? Why does she care? She knows?! She thinks I am an idiot-No-she must do it too or did!? As confusing as it seems, some people do care.
If you wanna talk, please feel free to email me! We're in this shit together, please don't drown alone :)