The day began the same as usual; I woke up late (much to Mum's disappointment), had a quick breakfast, and rushed off to get my things together for the day ahead. Mum and I leave and the usual chatter of unimportant things arises. "So, what have you got on today?" Mum would ask, "Umm, I can't remember" I reply most mornings. Then I would ask if there was anything on at work for her later in the day. It doesn't really mean anything, just to break the silence. When we arrive at the "conformity-factory" or school as its known, I get out say bye to Mum and face the towering, gray building for yet another excruciating day. But this day is somewhat different from the old routine of my schooling, and it is only me who knows it. Up the steps and into the classroom, I see Victoria reading a book and listening to her disc-man by the heater. I see her like this most mornings now, "hmm" I think, "funny how to her this is just a usual day, so routine, so predictable". She is unaware of my current
thoughts and later actions, but soon enough she will; I care about her enough to make sure of that. The day begins with homeroom, and the following hours of the school day seem to pass relatively fast. No one ever notices anything about me, but for some reason this day part of me wanted someone to see me, really see me, for who I am, maybe even an invitation to join one of their groups, if only for one day, a few minutes of their time would be enough. But unfortunately no one treats me any differently, even though I waited outside without my walkman or even a book to make it look like I mean to be alone, as if this is the path I chose to live happily and voluntarily.

4th period approaches quicker than expected, and just as the bell rings for the start of class I think to myself "Huh, I think this is the only day of my life when I actually wish that school would last a little longer", and I wander into the room for English. For once Maddy and Chelsey are there together, at least there's a chance of something interesting happening today. It's the usual class, but I appreciate the giggles and jokes shared more. At the end of the class I tell Maddy she and Chelsey that they can have my notes, they give me unusual looks so I tell them I already have enough notes, and the looks disappear..."If only I could say something" I tell myself, "this is it and no one knows but me, I want to reach out but as always, I don't *sigh*". I head off to the last homeroom I'll ever attend,
tell my teacher to have a nice weekend and she says the same to me. I decide I have to at least say something to Vic, after all it will be the last time she hears my voice. I suggest that we should go for fish and chips, but her Dad's picking her up (something I expected). So I wish her good luck for exams later in the year and that I appreciate the friendship we had so much, more than she'll ever know. So we exchange hugs and a kiss on the cheek each, and she makes her way to the gate, I watch her until she's completely out of my view, savoring the moment to the very last bit. I look up at the sky, close my eyes for a few seconds, and take in a deep breath "was that really goodbye?" I think, feeling depressed.

The journey home was the same, I saw that guy I asked out this time. Its been a while. My subconscious surfaced again and I was thinking he might approach me this time, returning my call to him. But there was nothing. I gave him a smile as I got off the bus with him, and looked back at him, he did the same. Tears came to my eyes because that may have been an indication of a chance sometime in the future, with us. Unfortunately I will never know. During my walk home I think of nothing at all, trying so hard to push those thoughts out of my head for just this once, to enjoy my walk home, my surroundings, each breath. I succeeded, but I know I wouldn't otherwise be able to control those thoughts.

I arrive home at 4pm sharp and am greeted by Dad, for once I don't think and just do, and ask about him for a few minutes (holding my feelings aside). It doesn't really feel good, but I could somehow sense that he felt better. I make my way into my bedroom and put down my bag, undo my tie and decide to surprise Mum and give her a call. Its not about anything much, just to make her feel good, break the monotony of her day for a while. When I hang up I realise I have much to do, and really not that much time to do it in. After dinner I almost immediately have a shower, I take in ever scent from the shampoo to the body wash, make sure I use the pumice stone, exfoliating glove, and shaver. I need to look my best tonight. Once I'm done in the shower I slowly dry myself from head to toes, and I stand before the mirror letting my eyes wander to the old crimson scars which wrap my body, where I've let out blood but the pain still remains. But no, not tonight, there is no pain tonight in any place, shape, or form; I make sure of that. Its been a while, but for some reason I have the enthusiasm to blow dry my hair as straight and perfect as it can be, even using Mum's special hair product.

Its now about 10pm, Mum and Dad come in separately and I make sure I say something unique and special to each of them, but which does not divulge my later plans. I also come in to see Juss too, and do the same, I feel like he senses something about me, why I'm saying such things, but I leave the room all the same. I now get dressed in a particular ensemble which has been well thought out, I also carefully apply my makeup not too heavily. I find my backpack in my cupboard and pack it with a single letter and some flowers. I am now ready to begin the last leg of my life, as I know it. I make my way to Victoria's house on foot, running mostly. When I arrive there, I place the letter and flowers at the doorstep and walk outside to her window, I speak my silent words she will never hear into the night, and make my way home for the last time. I scramble in through my window and put mybackpack away, then turn to see the time: 12:35am. I take a small break, simply lying on my bed and feeling each deep breath, slowly in and out. After about half an hour I begin to rummage in my cupboard for my postal tube of drawings and paintings, and someone else's artwork of a suicide, which the teacher carelessly threw into the bin during Art. I then decide to clean my room as much as possible without vacuuming, once I'm done I place the tube and drawing in the middle of my made-up bed, and spray 2 puffs of rose scent and leave out some rose potpourri; my scent. Before I leave the house without return I leave a simple note of explanation next to the kettle, where whoever gets up first will see it, that it's addressed "To Family".

I next make my way to the small park, with an assortment of sharp objects, and a rope with the noose already assembled. When I get to the park I know it must already be about 2:30, and it's just so cold. Never the less I take off my jacket and put the noose in place between the two swings and tug down on it with all my weight to ensure its strength; it holds. I take out my Stanley knife and decide to cut freely for once, instead of worrying about summer holidays or if I have enough long-sleeved shirts to tide me over. It's not great, hasn't been for a while, but it's alright. I lay on the ground for a while feeling the wounds swelling on both arms, and stare up into the starry night. Tears arise in my eyes and they slip out of the corners to the ground, I'm not crying, or at least am not overwhelmed by anything because I'm in no pain today, I'm not thinking now, justliving. I've come so far and I know now is the right time, "timing is everything, they say" I say silently, "Maybe this is one thing I got right" I continue. I realize I've waited for a while now, so I sit up and brush my hair with my fingers to get the tanbark out. I go over to my backpack, take out the razor blade, and slice firmly down the vein of both wrists. Slowly I haul myself up to stand on the swing's seat, put my head through the noose taking my hair out of it, and lowering myself into eternal rest, peacefully and freely...

The End