i cut

for me cutting started when i was 9 years old, i was raised in a really positive environment, everything was perfect and happy, nothing bad was ever supposed to happen, i would cut over the littlest things imaginable, arguments mostly, abruptly my world turned around my parents turned horrible, they screamed at me told me to die, to kill myself, everything that shouldn't happen, call it emotional abuse, the first time i cut, i was so scared and i really didn't know what was happening, i was walking to the kitchen after having an especially terrible argument with my parents (i don remember what about) and i saw a pair of scissors, i picked them up and moved the blade against my arm, it cut me a little, i went to the bathroom and did it again but harder, and harder in the same spot on my arm over and over, thus my cutting was born, at first i found it really difficult to do, it hurt allot and all, but i found that it released my mental hurts, and i decided that it was well worth a little pain for that! i always blamed myself for what happened mostly because my parents and everyone around me told me that it was my fault that the shit happened, and i cut more and more frequently, one time i had just had enough and i carved the word why? Into my arm, since that i have it opened many many times (actually a week ago i reopened it, in the bathroom at school, during lunch). it wasn't until later that i decided that life was no longer worth living, i have 3 suicide attempts under my belt, it always pissed me off that i couldn't kill myself, that i was to incompetent to even succeed at the simplest of things. eventually when i was 13 i figured everything out, and i managed to stop cutting, it was great, i was still severely depressed all the time, but i could hide it, enough so that i was just a part of the masses, then over 4 years after i stopped cutting, a whole lotta shit came down, my best friends parents announced their divorce, my parents followed suit, i noticed that, old friends i had were avoiding me, my parents started with the whole mental abuse thing again, like i said a whole lotta shit came down. at first my depression got so bad i couldn't hide it any longer, friends noticed, that's how I found the 2 most supportive, and caring people on the face of the planet! then i became suicidal again, i tried to hang myself, and failed again, then i began cutting it started small but since they have gotten worse and worse, i also began drinking pretty badly, also using pot and shrooms frequently, one night i just decided i was gonna die nothing could stop me, i got a little drunk, and phoned my best friend basically to say goodbye, and tell her that it wasn't her fault, somehow magically she talked me out of it, i was kinda drunk and don't know how she did it, i still went out but i didn't try and get killed, my friends are the greatest both have stopped me from killing myself twice now and stopped me from cutting on numerous occasions, and comforted me when I had cut and felt like shit on a stick i don't know how they do it though its kind of amazing! it just seems that everything is going downhill, it used to be i could count on things, like that I will be alive the next day, that I wont bleed to death from a sea of cuts, love and support from my family, you know normal things that people don't have to worry about. But now it seems like I can count on pain, and cutting. Death allot of the time doesn't exactly seem to be a very bad idea, it feels like a hopeless situation, I have come to the conclusion that suicide is not the answer, but death itself still beckons to me almost on a daily basis. Cutting itself is not always the best thing to do, you cannot do it in open public places, people notice that kind of thing and usually don't like it to much, so I have started pinning too, its not as good as cutting, no blood but the pain can be very intense! One time not to long ago I was pinning in my chem. Class and i passed out from pain twice, that's never happened before while cutting or when I've like wiped out mountain biking (and I have had some BAD accidents related to that. i cannot see why I still cut I have the 2 greatest people ever close to me supporting me on a constant basis... its been almost a week since I last cut or pinned, things kinda look hopeful but I've learned not to take things at face value anymore!