I started cutting at the end of last year. You see i met this boy at camp named Jesse. We flirted a lot and then when I realized that he was going to be an 8th grader at my school I was so happy.So when we started school, we were like best friend, even though i was a year younger than him(7th grade).Well everything was perfect until i found out he had a girlfriend and that they had had sex before. After that he stopped talking to me and hung up every time i called.

At that time, around the end of september, i found out that my friend megan had been cutting herself and i tried to help her stop, and i wondered why she would do that to herself, i wanted to know if it really did make you feel better, so i did it. that night i cut my left arm with a sewing needle. It felt so good. it was like the blood was my pain and stress and when the blood came out or my cut, so did my problems. So I started doing it maybe 3 or 4 times a day, not only because or Jesse but because my parents were fighting and my sister, Devin was crazy, literally. She was really depressed and had been on anti-depressants for as long as i can remember, once she even had to go to a hospital for a few weeks, plus she's gay and it was hard for me to deal with that. My sister was sort of the "problem child" in the family, I always tried my best to make up for her mistakes. I became obsessed with getting perfect grades and felt that I had to be perfect in every aspect of my life so that my parents would be able to be proud of their children and hoped that it might help them cope with what my sister was going through.

I became very depressed, I didn't want to go outside, or be with my friends, even though i did so that no one would suspect anything. Every time devin would run away or cry i would cut, whenever my parent yelled at me or devin or even at each other, i would cut. I started wearing black clothes and not eating more than 1 meal a day (my parent forced me to eat dinner because they didn't want me to starve myself). Then in february, I was at my friend chelsea's birthday party and Jesse just came up to me and hugged me. But the thing was that in those months that he didn't talk to me, I had fallen in love with him. And not that stupid 7th grade crush kind of love but the can't eat, cry yourself to sleep EVERY NIGHT, call 10 times a day just to hear them say hello and hang up, think about them all the time kind of love. And after that, we were friends again,but i still cut myself, because of my family and friend problems and just because i was depressed. I had scars all up and down my arm. And that was when I made a really big mistake... i told megan that i cut. I thought she would understand but she didn't, no one did. The news spread fast around school and soon everyone was coming up to me and asking to see my arms, even Jesse knew.

One day, my friend assata found out and called me. she kept yelling at me and telling me that i had to stop now, and said things like "it's either me or the knife" and "you're stupid, i hate you and it you died because of this, i'm not even going to cry". so that week she turn all of my friend against me, no one would talk to me.that day, I took some of devin's anti-depressants and i felt really bad for like 2 days. The next day at school, I stole a really sharp compass from one of my teachers. i usually cut with that now. That weekend, Assata decided to really ruin my life and she told my parents. They were shocked, they couldn't belive that their perfect little girl could be hurting herself, they couldn't look me in the eye for days. So I decided to tell everyone that i stopped. And I died, for about a week and a half. No one knew i was still doing it. Then one day, March 19th 2004, Jesse came over when no one was home and we made out for 20 minutes, he wanted to have sex with me but i told him my sister was going to be home i 5 minutes (plus i really didn't want to do something that i would regret)and he left)
After that he didn't talk to me for 2 weeks and I cut more and more sometimes 10 times a day. I was bad. I also overdosed on advil and tylenol a lot. now me and Jesse aren't that close, he rarely talks to me and when he does it's online. my friend think i'm a freak and most of them don't talk to me, my sister is doing really badly and my parents fight with us and each other all the time and i'm doing really bad in school. I feel like i dug this big hole and as much as i try, i cant get out of it. i'm probably going to go and get my compass and cut myself after i write this. I just can't stop and i don't want to. I've started to rely on cutting as a way to keep myself from committing suicide, and to just keep emotions level. I don't think that i will ever stop and i don't think that anyone can help.