Hello, My name is Sunny. Its kind of strange that someone with such a dark lifestyle has such a name. I don't really see it as "dark", I see it as "different". I have been cutting myself for a long time. I don't know when I started exactly, but all I know is that I have been cutting on a regular basis for a few months. I am 18 and in high school. I lead a pretty normal life, I make A's and B's and I am in my schools' drumline. I also am in orchestra and I play viola and cello. As you probably can tell, I love music. Music used to be the way I could escape my depression and anxiety. Not anymore. It does help, but not like it used to. That is when I turned to Self Injury.

I never have been sexually abused by family members or anyone. My parents are wonderful people who have been married for 23 years and have done a good job raising me. I am very close to them. I am not ready to tell my mother (the parent I am closest to) that I cut myself. I have just now told my psychologist about cutting and she told me that I don't have to tell my mother YET. She wishes I would tell her though because if I would accidently hurt myself to the point that I might need hospitalization or I would even die, she could possibly lose her job. I understand that and I plan on telling my mother soon. I don't like keeping things from my mom, because I share everything with her.

One of my best friends is also a cutter. She has cut longer than I have, and has been hospitalized in an institution. I haven't had to go to one yet. Part of me wants to go, but another part doesn't want to. I want to get help to stop, but then again I don't want to stop. Cutting is a part of me. I feel better afterwards and have a clearer picture of things. I don't really know what drives me to cut. I get panic attacks and the only way to stop them is to cut. Sometimes I don't even think I am really myself when I cut. Its like something takes over and makes me do it. I will go for days without cutting or even thinking about it and then BAM! I just HAVE TO cut. Sometimes when I have to cut really bad and I can't leave the classroom, I will just cut right there in class. No one sees though, I make sure of this. I don't like to cut in class, and I don't do it often. I use razor blades, so it is easy to hide them in my hand if someone looks over.

People see my scars and ask about them. I tell them the truth. Mostly they just are like "oh okay" and don't think twice about it. But if it is adults or family, I say my kitten did it. That is what my mom thinks. But in a few days my kitten is getting de-clawed and I am worried about what I will say the next time she sees scars. And summer time worries me the most cause there isn't anywhere that I can cut and hide it. I cut on my ankles or my arms, which are fairly easy to hide in the winter time, but in the summer when you wear shorts and sandals and t-shirts or tank tops, people can see those places. Maybe by then my mother will know about my cutting and I wont have to hide it from her.

I think this will be a long journey for me to the point where I get better. I know that someday I will be better and I hope for that day to eventually come, but I don't think I am ready right now. All I can do is take each day as it comes and deal with it the best I can.