I am currently 14 years old and i suffer from depression and an addiction to= self harm. My problems that led up to this started when i was little. My mother and father both smoked marijuana, and my baby sitter smoked it in front of me, my mother is bulimic and is addicted to pain= killers, and my father is abusive towards her. My lie has never been anything great. A lot of people i have cared about have hurt me deeply and a lot of people have treated me differently after they found out about what i do.

I started hurting myself over a year ago.... things just started going farther and farther down hill and i finally just tried it. I have never had intentions of killing myself when i hurt myself... not yet anyways. A lot of my friends know i cut, but its what keeps me sane. I am addicted to the pain and i don't want to stop.

On August 28th, a month ago to the day, I went to the hospital for severe headaches and i wasn't eating or sleeping. Of course the doctor saw my cuts and knew what i had been doing. They checked the rest of my body for other cuts and he made me show him all of my scars. Before people didn't care enough to notice and now they notice too much to care (if that makes sense).

I have been in counseling for about 3 weeks now and i am officially diagnosed with depression which to me doesn't mean shit as to someone saying you are depressed... and you don't need a doctor to tell you what is wrong with you. Counseling hasn't done anything for me so far really. I don't really want to stop what i do. It helps... knowing i actually have control over some of my pain. Knowing that no matter what i will always have that blade and no matter what it will never unintentionally hurt me.