I'm only a 12 year old girl. I still have many years to go through. Sometimes, I think about cutting myself. I think about suicide very much. I know I shouldn't but when I do, I feel a whole lot better. I can't bring myself to a blade, or drag it across my skin. I don't have the courage to do it. Usually, I'd just slap myself, or scratch my wrists until they become swollen (which I'm doing right now). Once, I was walking inside the garage to get a snack and as I walked to the door, I glanced at my dad's workshop table and saw a razor... just lying there in the open, for anyone to take. I was thinking, "Should I pick it up and slice myself and get it over with, or leave it there?" I left it alone. I figured if I couldn't plan this out, then screw it, I'm not even going to touch that one.

I had a dream a couple nights ago, about slitting my wrists. Plus, I while I was dreaming, I felt the stinging from the cut. They bled, but not too much. No one was around so I decided, "Hell, I'm doing it!" They stung a lot, too.. and after the stinging stopped, my arms went numb.. I EVEN FELT IT. I mean, c'mon! It's a dream! I felt it. I felt the stinging and the side effect of numbness. Your parents and other adults say you can't feel anything if you're dreaming. That's all a God damn lie. I feel everything!! In the dream, someone had put my wrists under hot water and I felt the pain of the hot water splashing into my cuts. It hurt badly. I don't know how I could feel that."

Maybe it's just the depression that gets to me in my dreams, but these dreams are too vivid. They almost seem real. When I woke up, I was pissed to know that I didn't actually cut myself. I really wanted to because I can't bring myself to doing it. I don't know how many times I have considered suicide. Maybe for more than an hour of my life. One side of me tells me, "You know what? You're going to feel really guilty when you're up there, in the heavens (possibly Hell for what you are), watching down on your friends and family mourn for you. You will cause them so much pain." The other side says, "People today treat you like shit. No one respects you. They all hate you. They don't respect you at all. End it all. Just end it." Who's side I'm choosing? I'm just a little indecisive right now, but #1 is good -- for now, at least.