It all started one day after school .. I was 12 in 7th grade... I don't remember why or what day but alls i remember is sitting downstairs on the couch. I had gotten a steak knife tried cutting.. they didn't even bleed but i still enjoyed and new i wanted more. Steak knifes were ridged, rough and hard not as easy going but it still fit. I remember i was on the phone with my "friend" (which turned out to be a 2 day relationship) and i found a razor blade. I was so happy and proud.. that's when things got worse. I fell in love. The razor became my best friend. It went down and across so smoothly ... just perfect... right.. just what Alex needed (me) I used this for a couple good months.. i became so different. I still feel as if I've changed so much and i know i have even all my peers say so. My style, attitude, and the way i look at things have had such a dramatic change. Sometimes i just want to end all communication to the world. Stop talking, change schools, not have to take anyones bullshit. Become a nobody. I just want to lurk around the halls... be someone no one notices. My popularity has gone down of which=20i don't give a shit because its too "over rated". I feel as if my friends don't care anymore, that they lie to me when they say they do. I remember one day... my best friend threw my razor my best friend in the whole world in the=20woods. I hated her. I wanted to kill her. She didn't tell me. I just thought i had misplaced it.. i didn't find out until 3 months ago. I mean I've found other resources, scissors, shaving razors, CD sensors. But i also picked up other things. Salting and recently scratching. I still miss my razor desperately.. i wish i still had it but what can i do about it. I stopped for two months recently but I've picked everything up again. I tried to get my parents to sign me up for therapy but they just gave up filling out papers i guess. They don't know about anything yet but for some odd reason i feel as if they already know but don't know what to say. I have really low self esteem and i just bought some diet pills. They're my life now. I follow the instructions perfectly so i can loose weight. I want to be skinny more then anything in the world. Even though I'm only 13 i know what i want. I still perform SI and have suicidal thoughts. I also want to become openly bisexual. But i know people will get weird but that wont matter to me but it will.. i know some people know that i am just by seeing the way i act but its different i wish i could just make an announcement on the loud speaker screaming it. I wish that i was skinny and i had my razor back. That my family knew so that i could get help. But i don't want to embarrass my family in front of my extended family and i cant do that to them. I can only wish and dream but what's the use eh? Maybe i will get skinny but everything else is so hard to reach. I can buy a razor but its too risky everyone knows my dad through his construction company. I guess i want help but on the other hand i really don't want to stop. I love relief and feeling sensations since no one likes me. I guess its best to be alone in this world and not except anything. So you wont get hurt. But this one girl at that used to be at my school who i will be in high school with next year wont leave me alone. Saying such rude comments that ARE NOT necessary at all to my face or screaming them at me. Things that aren't even true. I hate her hopes she dies or moves away. I hate her tormenting. It just brings me down. No one likes a bully obviously and shes my tormentor. Drowns my slowly into a deeper depression.....If you want to comment.. or you need help I'll be glad to. You can IM me at smiieitsover or email me at smiieitsover@aol.com. Thanks... i suppose.