From day one I have always felt unreal. Sometimes more than others. I used to never pay much attention to it as a child. Sitting on the edge of the playground watching all the other children play and have a good time. I just really wanted to be a part of it. But I was different that the rest of them. They often didn't mind reminding me of that either. I was 8 years old and already wore a bra. But that was just the icing on the cake. I was born with one leg shorter than the other making me walk different. So being the way i was I was unwillingly outcast by my peers. Although for the first few years I rather enjoyed the quietness of my mind.

But by the 5th grade those silent walls within myself were filled with voices. voices of self hate and disappointment. Ten years old and slicing the razor across my flesh for the very first time. It was the most liberating experiences I had ever had my entire life. For half my life other could hurt me when I wasn't willing to be hurt but for the first time in my life I was the one in control. I controlled how much pain was felt and when it was felt. I could finally breathe a sigh of relief again I found something that worked. I hid my scars behind my clothes like most of us do. I cut on and off for years. I tried to will myself to stop I remember getting screamed at by my mother for the strawberry lines on my arms and neck. I couldn't explain it to her. I couldn't even explain it to myself.

Middle school was hell. I was diagnosed with severe depression and a panic disorder. Reality became more and more unclear as time went on. I remember waking up one day crying because I wasn't sure if I was still dreaming or not. Looking in the mirror was like looking at someone I had no idea existed. I didn't exist anymore. Something else has taken me over. I feel so unreal now. From time to time I still feel moments of reality. I think that is what keeps me here. I was raped at the age of 15. That made the anxiety worse and created a whole mew problem and to this day my razorblade in my best friend. Sure I have my good days and my bad days just like everyone else does. But I want more than anything to get out. I don't want to be scratching away at the surface of my skin to let the demon out forever. I think now the demon has seeped its self all the way in to my veins. I don't know if I'll ever get it out now. I don't know if I'm nearing the end of the road or if this is merely the beginning of something new. But whatever it is, I know I don't want to be married to my razorblade forever.