Life eternity and everything in between are too complicated. I am a person who thinks too much and for this offence my mind wonders into directions that no normal brain 20 years of age would dare travel.

I am working on a paper for English and it's on John Donne's Batter My Heart Three Personed God; my mind will race and in the heat of writing go into numerous different directions. One minute I will be thinking about the reason for Donne's plea with God and his anger wanting God to rape his flesh so that he can become pure and truly devoted to God without being chained to his flesh any longer.

Then the next thought will appear out of no where, why did Elliott Smith kill himself? Why did Kurt Cobain kill himself, why could none of them see the hurt that would follow, why could none of them see the joy they could bring with that gift that God placed inside of them?(rip)

Why did they waste there gifts O Lord? Why do people think that suicide is selfish? Is it really selfish? Is it all subjective? Do I have the guts to press down that blade and just let the blood flow and the life drain out of my wrists? Or would that be egotistical and wrong leaving behind my mother, sister, and my friends who care so deeply for me? (Lacerate)

Why am I even here? I know why, I'm here to please God and worship him as a living sacrifice. But, why did God even choose to write me into his plan in the first place? Why did God lock himself into loving fallen creatures such as humans? And why then if he knew from the beginning that we would fall did he even bother to create all of this in the first place? If he wanted companionship why did he not just settle for robot angels that would sing =93holy, holy, holy=94 all day long? (It's your imperfection, slash)

Why did he put this blazing load of anxiousness for others souls onto my shoulders? Why do I think about others eternal destination when the choice is up to them? Or why do I weep for those who have not chosen the truth when there is nothing that I can do for them now? Why did they not prefer you in the first place when they will know the reality of eternity once they have crossed that great divide between life and death? (Your responsibility, hack)

Why did there have to be sin in the first place? Why did eve eat the fruit of knowledge of good and evil? Why did lusifiser even have to fall from being the ark angle of worship in the first place? Why the heck did he get it in his head that he could overthrow you? Or why did he even try to be like you when you had blessed him with so much? Why couldn't all of this been right on the first go round instead of waiting for the tribulations, trials, the people that will be thrown into the lake of fire and the battle of Armageddon that you will one day win? (Your unbelief, blister)

Why did you even cause me to think or why did you O Lord write me into you plan in the first place? It would have been so much easer if I could have been an angel worshiping you at your feet thankful for all you have done. Why is this so complicated? Why won't you take this thorn out of my side? Just kill me now Lord, take me home. (Drain)