My name was Rebekah Tapp (I was married on May 5, 2007, so it is now Rebekah McClain). I have a few things posted on this site. Most of them were written so long ago when I was in so much pain and really, I needed to send an update.

The people that have left comments telling me that I will get through this were right. In a few of the stories, I mention my "boyfriend." He is now my husband. I haven't cut myself or had anything to do with SI since September 16, 2002.

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She stands there-- looking into the reflection of her eyes inside the mirror. But she sees nothing. Nothing but hate and despair. If only they knew her secrets. If only people knew her pain-- what she hides day after day behind her smile. This girl was so full of life once. Where has that girl gone? Why have her eyes turned so cold? She is numb from the pain that now consumes her black heart.

She wants so desperately to find the girl she used to be. She longs for the smile she once had... for the laughter that once poured from her lips. She yearns for the sparkle in her eyes and the glow that came from her smile. Instead, she receives tears and pain. She only has the horrid memories. Memories from him.

He hurt her. He is with her every moment of every day and because of him, all of these thoughts flood her mind. Oh how she longs for these thoughts to leave her. He was her first everything. Her first love, her first lover... her first spirit. And now she's without him... heartbroken and in pain. But it was her choice and she knows this is all for the best. It is for the best... right?

She needs to talk-- to let out her feelings. But there is no one to listen. No one will hear her cries for help because they are all drowning in their own self-pity and hate... thinking everything about themselves is just... wrong. Not wanting to be there for her like she has been for them all of these years. Whenever they are hurt, they run to her... for a shoulder and an ear. She wears her heart on her sleeve and lets them but when she needs them, where are they?



No one understands her feelings. They don't understand her heartaches or why the tears fall so easily... she is always smiling when she is around them. But when day becomes night, people tend to change. Her day faded to night long ago-- when people stopped listening. Her day faded to gray when he broke her heart... her day turned black when he lied to her. The daylight was gone when people stopped caring. She wrote...

[center]Have you ever wanted to talk about something because it's tearing you up inside but you won't because everyone is tired of hearing it and you heart can't take the lecture everyone gives you over and over and over again? So you keep it locked away, deep inside, needing to talk, needing to let the words flow out from where they've been locked away for so long, but you stay silent? And the longer you hold it in, the harder it gets to wake up and the harder it is to breath? And then, finally, when you feel like going over the edge because you know your heart can't possibly hurt anymore that what it does now, someone says something and your world shatters even more? Have you ever felt so alone, even though you're surrounded by people? When your heart shatters more than you could ever imagine, you're all alone. There is no one to turn to because they have blocked you out... Have you ever had those thoughts flowing through your head? I have... I do now. [/i]

She cries out her loves name... but he is gone. He is far away now. Her love was there when he blackened her heart... when his memories made her cry. Her love, he makes her feel again. But no, he's not here. 'Love isn't supposed to feel this way' she thinks. 'It's supposed to be like a faerytale... so beautiful-- no one is ever hurt except the bad. Love, in faerytales, lasts forever.''

Her love once asked "Do you trust me?" "With everything I have." She said. "Then trust me now." Her love says in the gentlest voice. "I know this is hard for you." He pauses and kisses her softly. "Things like this aren't easy... but, things can only get bad before they get better. He hurt you deeply, but the darkest time of the night is 2:00 a.m." Tears fall from her eyes now. "I can't tell you when things will get better... I can't tell you that your heart will fully heal. But I can tell you now... though it kills you, you will become stronger from all of this." Then her love was gone.

This was the worst feeling in the world for her. She had her love, but he wasn't there. She couldn't touch him. She could hardly talk to him. But she knew he loved her.

And now alone, she is still staring into the mirror, looking into her own sad eyes. She can't escape the memories of him. She can't hold her love. She can only wait... wait for the day her love returns. She can only wait for the day people begin to care for her like she has for them for so long. So she stands there. Alone. Longing for the day she can speak. Longing for the day people care. Longing for the day the sparkle in her eyes and the glow from her smile come back to her. Standing there... lifelessly, until the night turns into day.