My name is Nikki, I'm 16 years old and I guess I've been cutting (on and off) for about 2 or 3 years. It started with just scratching myself, but then I started using razors, knives, staples, a boxcutter and again just my nails. The whole reason why I cut is because I hated myself and I hated who I was. Every time I would cry I would cut myself and I always would wear one particular long sleeve shirt. My biggest trigger was my dad and crying. If my dad would ever talk to me or yell at me I would cry and then cut. He verbally abused me from the age of 10-15 and then finally I got help. I knew I was depressed and suicidal (I had dreams of killing myself and hurting myself) and I knew I needed help. I never truly understood that my dad was the trigger until after I went into=20= therapy. I've been out of therapy for a year and 10 months now and still to this day my dad is a trigger for me.

I use to love the feeling of cutting. The rush of blood and the feeling of relief. The thing that made me change and stop was scaring one of my friends. One day in my biology class I had cut the word Pain into my left arm and then wrote it in red marker on my right arm. I went up to my friend and showed him my right arm with the writing and asked if that scared him. He shook his head yes and then I showed him my cut arm and ask if that scared him more and he almost broke down and cried. I realized that I was hurting my friends and loved ones more than I was hurting myself. That was 10 months ago and that was the last time I ever cut myself.

What made me cut myself that day was my dad trying to move back in the house. My parents divorce when I was in therapy for depression and cutting and my dad moved out. Since he's moved out I no longer cut, I no longer have to take Prozac for my depression, and my depression is almost non-extinct. Hard to believe my dad was my problem all long and sometimes I feel guilty for him being my trigger, but then I think of all the names he called me and all the horrible thoughts he put in my head and I no longer feel guilty.

I'm glad to be cut free and depression free...it feels good to not always look on the dark side, but to be on the bright side.