My life begins with my mom, so I will start this off with her. I don't know exactly how this all happened. I tried my best to tell it the way I know it happened.

Her mom had three children: my mom, Bobby, and my aunt Pebbles. My mom was a problem child. She had a sassy mouth. She didn't care if she got into trouble. She dropped out of high school. After a series of fights with her mom, she started to be a runaway. The cops were called a few times. My mom ended up in foster homes. She was a ward of the court. The court was her parent.

She hated it there just as bad as she hated been at home, if not more. Her mom had said that she was going to pick her up after her 16th birthday. When that day came around she came and told my mom that the family was doing fine without her and she'll have to stay there. My mom was crushed.

Her older brother Bobby came and gave her some money and helped her get emancipated.

Soon after all this she met a man she liked a lot. He had some kids already. I don't know how many or the ages either. I am guessing that my mom was about 16 or 17 when she married him. Then when she was 18 she had my older sister, Amber.

I don't know what happened with that marriage, but I do know they divorced and my sister was running back and forth.

Then somehow my mom met my dad, Jason. They both were on drugs by then. My mom was an exotic dancer/whore. (My dad didn't like that at all1) They never married. I think that they argued a lot because When My dad decided he was going to have to leave her my mom stopped taking her birth control pills. My mom knew how much my dad wanted a child, so she tried to keep him by having a child.

My dad knew exactly what she was doing, but he stayed around to keep his child. Then one day he realized that he couldn't be a good dad with all the stuff he was doing. He decided to quit his drugs and straighten up. When he brought this to my mom, she refused. One morning he up and left with me. He got full custody of me.

For a while it was just us. Then he found out that this woman that he loved had broken up with his cousin. And when she called him up he stepped up and went for it. Soon I had a step-mom.

Tammy, my step-mom, was trying so hard to be a good mom. She stayed home with me when my dad went to work. Tammy was young and had no clue how to raise a child, just as any other new mother. It didn't help that I was a high maintenance child. We didn't exactly have the whole mother daughter bond thing going on.

So one day my step-mom and dad decided to tell me about my real mom. Like any other kid would be I was curious about my real mom. My dad tracked her down and told her I wanted to see her. I went to visit her a couple times and had a good time. Then I had a chance to live with her. Now my "bond" with Tammy wasn't all that hot, so I went for it.

My mom had remarried and had a son. Her new husband's name was Joseph Donald Sturgill Jr. My new little brother was about 1 year old. His name was Joseph Donald Sturgill the third. I called him Joey. Big Joey was a cocaine dealer. My mom did cocaine, weed, and she still drank.

We lived in Seaside California. I remember Big Joey going to work in the morning and my mom slept in a lot. I remember seeing her feed my little brother Sleeping pills so he wouldn't wake her up when she had hangovers. She started having me giving them to him. I stopped giving the pills to him and just fed him and changed him and etc. I made myself as well as my little brother's breakfast and lunch, and in order to do so I had to do the dishes. Keep in mind I'm only 6 or 7.

I started to notice the fights that my mom and step-dad got into. It got really bad too. I saw things flying across the room. I remember him tearing down their bedroom door. I was so young I didn't think any thing of this. I just went and watched TV.

Soon after I turned 7 we moved to Marina California. That was only about 20 miles away from Seaside. We got settled in really fast. I started noticing little cut straws lying around. My mom was making her own cigarettes; they were smaller than the ones you get at the store. They smelled different too.

I didn't start school right away; I got to stay at home with my mom and two year old little brother. I really wanted to go though. When I went to school I didn't have to take care of my little brother.

My mom didn't work but my step-dad did. He'd leave at 5:30 in the morning and wouldn't come home until 6:30 at night. My mom woke up at around 11:00 in the morning. She wouldn't get off the couch until around 3 or 4 o' clock. She'd stay there watching soaps until she got up. Then she'd make dinner and act like she was working on the house all day so he wouldn't yell at her.

When I got up I made breakfast for my brother and I. Then I'd going around picking up the beer and champagne bottles. And the cigarette butts. Then I would pick up my brother and our mess of toys. Then I would try to impress my mom by cleaning the bathrooms and the kitchen before she got up. I 'd make her coffee and bring her pills to her. I would even do the laundry.

I hated it when she'd get up because she call me lazy and tell to do my chores. When I just cleaned the whole house. I hated it worse when my step-dad came home. He would yell and scream at us. He'd try to find some thing to complain e about. He would start out with my mom then he would come to me and yell at me. Telling how stupid I was and crap like that. If he was wrong about some thing I would try and tell him and he'd slap the crap out of me. Then he'd go into his room and get so drunk he couldn't walk. He would have me go and get him more liquor.

A couple of years of that went on. Then I matured and saw through a lot of his lies and mind games and played along with it all. My step-dad babied me. I was his favorite. I always got what I wanted with him. My mom hated it. She'd get made and yell at me. Then when my step-dad defended me she'd say stuff like, why don't you marry him." Or, " Find your own man and leave mine alone." When she said this to me my fists were so tight that I cut my palm with my fingernails. I was only 9 or 10 when this went on.

Between my 10th and 11th birthday we went for a camping trip. My mom and step-dad got into a big fight, so she didn't go. Then when we were in the tent one night and I got an eerie feeling. The air felt all stiff, like my life was about to change. Big Joey insisted that he slept in between my brother and me.

When I had partially fallen asleep I felt some thing go under my blanket and under my nightgown. It was his hand. It was resting on my tummy at first. Then it went up to my chest and was playing with my nipple. I was so scared that if I had said any thing or "woke" up he would beat me to death.

He sat there rubbing my chest like I was a grown up or some thing. Then his hand went down under my underwear. I felt the wrinkles in his fingers form being a mechanic. Then when he put his finger in me I freaked out. I turned around like I was waking up. He asked me what was wrong. I said, "I don't feel good I need some fresh air."

I got my blanket and got up and out of the tent. He stayed in there for a while. Aside from my little brother's snoring, I could hear Big Joey snort up some cocaine. When he came out he asked if there was any thing he could do for me I asked if I could sleep outside the tent tonight. He said yes. That was the first time I felt safer out side that inside. I didn't sleep for the rest of the night. In fact, I didn't sleep at all until we got home. I didn't want to tell my mom because she wouldn't believe me. She'd say it was my fault.

He'd yell and cuss at us and tell us how stupid we were. And that we wouldn't be anything important in life. He'd tell us how his dad abused him and crap like that. I got so tired of it. I just wanted him to drop dead so I could spit on him. Then he would come to me and tell me he was sorry and that my mom put him in a bad mood. My mom would hear this and have a fit. She'd yell at me and tell me to "leave her husband alone." Yeah right I'm going to tell her what he did to me.

Then his "costumers" would come around. While my mom and Joey were in their room they would try and touch me, some of them would actually do it. I hated life!

Then after my 12th birthday we got evicted. We had to live in King City California. That was a very small town. The house we bought still had people living in it. We had to stay in three different motels in four months. Each one had 1 bedroom, 2 beds, 1 bathroom, and a closet. There was a TV. and a microwave. We didn't have one of those nice five star motels; no I'm talking those hole-in-the-wall cockroach motels.

The reason why I had to go to three different motels is because of the fighting they did. The managers kicked us out. My brother and I had nowhere to go. I really didn't think that a 7 year old should have to hear the things they were saying; even though I did. It was very uncomfortable. I slept with my mom and my brother slept with Joey.

I had to do the dishes in the tiny shower. I made our meals in the microwave. We kept every thing in a storage shed. We only kept what we needed in a suitcase.

One time when I came home to the motel, my mom was sitting on the bed. She had a note from my old boyfriend in Marina.

I had told him what kind of stuff my step-dad was doing and he wrote me a note telling me that this was serious and I needed to tell someone.

My mom had asked me what that was all about. I told her every thing. We sat there on the floor for half an hour crying with each other. She promised to get me out of there and away from that man.

Soon after we moved in to our house my mom got a job as a waitress at Denny's. She would work the evening shifts. My brother and I would go with her to work until Joey would come on the way home from work and pick us up. When we would get home he'd invite some of his beer and cocaine buddies over. They would chase me around the house until I was pinned down. My step-dad would put his knees on my arms and sat on my chest. He would have his hands free. Some times I could feel his penis on my face through his shorts. I felt so sick I wanted to throw up.

I would tell my mom and she say, "Just go to bed. Then he'll have to leave you alone." So I tried that. It didn't work! He used the excuse of "tucking me in."

I had a boyfriend then. He was my night and shining armor. He was always there. He said he loved me and how beautiful I was. I mainly trusted him because of the way he responded to what I told him about what Joey was doing. One day he invited me over to his house. So I went and he had so much alcohol. We drank and drank until I don't remember what happened that day. The next morning I woke up in his arms and he told me that I was so good in bed. He said that now he's done with me, and to get out of his house. I was so crushed. He had planned that so he could take something so precious I can't ever replace.

By this time I hated myself so much. I felt that every thing that was going on to me was my fault. I wanted to hurt my self so I did. I started to cut myself at the age of 12. My mom was always calling me a slut and that I asked for what Joey was doing. She said I disgusted her because I liked it. That hurt me so bad. My mom was the one who should protect me from all this; instead she blamed it on me, and I believed her. I never wanted to come home form school. I was 12 and I had a death wish.

The fighting between Joey and my mom never stopped. I remember one fight that happened not to long ago. My mom wasn't allowed to smoke in the house, but she did anyways. One day she burned a hole in the couch. We tried to hide to hide it but he saw it. He got so pissed off. He took the ceramic pig that her mom gave before she died, and smashed into millions of pieces. That set her off so bad.

I wasn't in side at the time but I hear every thing. My mom threw a vacuum, champagne bottles, candles, and anything she could get her hands on. She got tossed around pretty hard, but he was bleeding. The cops came for him normally.

Well anyways I took my little brother and left. As I was walking up the street I heard Joey yell to me," Get back here! " I yelled back, "Over my dead body!" We walked around the block for a while then we went next door. The people there had moved out and left the door open. As we were sitting there in each other's arms crying, my little brother said something that will stay with me forever, " Jessica, promise me you'll never leave me."

After a few hours, we went home. The cops took my mom away in the cop car when we were in the house. My step-dad was waiting for us on the front porch. When I went in side he acted like it was my entire moms fault. I wanted to tell him that it takes two to fight. He was acting like a good dad. Then he had me clean up the broken bottles and broken candles and etc.

After a few weeks went by and mom was in jail my step-dad sat me down and said, " I will only get your mom out if you promise not to testify against me, and you forgive me." I did. But I'll never truly forgive him for what he did.

She got out a few weeks later and we went to go visit my older sister in Ukiah. I hadn't seen her in years. I had a good time until my mom and Joey got into a fight and said some stupid stuff. Joey said, " I will take our son and leave the spawn of Satan here." My sister asked me a bunch of questions about Mom and Joey. I told her every thing. Then I trusted her enough to tell her what he was doing to me.

She had a fit and went up to him and screamed until she was blue in the face. He got even more pissed and packed our stuff. Before we left my sister told me sorry but some one needed to make the move. We went home that minute. The ride home was miserable. I heard it from my mom and Joey. My poor brother had to deal with the screaming.

The day after we got home my sister called me and told me she has a ride tonight if I wanted to leave it all behind. Then she said the smartest thing I heard yet. " Moms a sinking ship. If you stay you'll go down wit her." That was so true. So she told me to pack light and sneak out my window at 2:00 in the morning tomorrow. I packed a bag of clothes and filled my purse with the most meaningful stuff I had.

I Felt like I was abandoning my little brother helpless and in a way I was. And just a few weeks ago he was crying in my arms and told me to never leave him and there I was packing my bags. I spent the rest of the day playing with him and telling him how much I love him. Yes it was hard to leave my mom but not as hard because my mom could leave. My brother was only 8. He can't do anything unless our mom did.

That night I didn't sleep at all. Every little noise scared me. By 12:40 I decided that I couldn't wait until 2:00. I was trying to open my window quietly and I saw a dog in my yard. I guess my dog heard it because she went crazy. I got her out of my room before anyone woke up.

I was on my way back to my room when I heard my brother talking in his sleep. I opened his door slowly so it didn't make any noise. I walked over to him, kissed his nose and whispered in his ear, "I'll always be with you. Don't forget me. I love you."

I went back into my room. If I waited any longer I wouldn't be able to. So I threw out my bag and purse. I jumped out and fell. I made a big crash. I freaked out because I thought I Woke everyone up. I got my stuff and ran across the street and waited. It was 12:55 and I saw my sister driving by I stopped her. After that we were off to Ukiah.

I knew that my mom got up at 4:00 to go to work, so we stopped around 4:00 to tell her that I was ok. And where I was. She didn't like that very much. She tried to say that she'd call the cops for kidnapping. We told her if she did then we'd tell on her and her husband for drugs and Joey for molestation.

We got home at around 7 in the morning. I went to sleep when we got there. When I woke up my sister was on the phone with the police. She handed the phone to me and said, "tell the truth, and the whole truth." I had to tell my story to a stranger for the first time. I felt so strange and uncomfortable.

A month or so went by. I was attending Ukiah High Starting as a freshman in a new town. I was so alone. I walked around the buildings at lunch to look like I was busy so now knew that I was a loner. I made a couple friends but still no one wanted to hang with me at lunch.

One day my mom some how heard the prank I pulled on my ex-boyfriend. My ex went around telling everyone that I had sex with him and I was pregnant. That's why I ran away. First of all I didn't want to have sex with him. He knew what he was doing when He got me drunk. He knew that he would be able to date rape me. Second, He knows why I ran away!

Well when I heard That he was telling everyone that I called him up and told him that I was pregnant and he was going to help pay for the abortion. He freaked out. I loved getting him back like that. I played it off like I got an abortion and I was all fake crying on the phone. Well he was recording me and let my mom and Joey listen to it.

After they heard that they decided to come up there and get me. When the cops came to get me they said that my mom said that I was 12. That right there should tell you she doesn't care about me. I was 14.

When they came my sister was smoking pot, so they were all yelling back and forth. They told me to get my stuff so I did. I didn't start to cry until I got out side. On the way to the police station the officer told me what was going on. I told him about my step-dad and what he did and was doing to me; about his drugs and abuse to my family and I; that the recordings from my ex were a prank and why it was a prank.

When I got there he took me to this real small room with a hidden camera, that I found right away. He went to check the file to see if I had really told the truth about the whole molestation thing. When he got back he asked me if I wanted to see my mom I said yes.

When she walked in I gave her a big hug and told her I loved her. She pushed me away and asked me why I was doing this to her. So I said, "Mom, I'm tired of living with that man and his abuse to me and this family, and your promises to leave that you always break." What she said after that cut so deep that the scar will always hurt. "What he did to you wasn't even that bad and you asked for it." Then the cop came in and asked her if she was aware of the stuff I had put on file about her husband. She said, "She's always been a liar, but I never thought she'd go this far." I started crying again.

They didn't want me to go with my mom and my sister was now out of the question. So I was placed in a "shelter." I stayed with foster parents for a few weeks. They were nice but I still felt weird and now I was absolutely alone. I shared a room with tow other little girls with similar problems. But they were much more younger. I wasn't allowed to call or contact any one from the shelter. I still went to Ukiah High.

Then since the molestation happened in the Monterey County, The courts down there wanted me to go to a foster home down there. So I packed up AGAIN! I said good-bye to what friends I did make.

I was in Oak Hills. I lived with a single woman whose kids were all grown up, and a foreign exchange student from Turkey. I liked it there she was so nice. She made me feel so welcome. I was attending North Monterey County High School.

Later I found out that my dad whom I hadn't seen since I was 7, was at one of the court meetings. He was trying to get me back with him. I t turned out that my mom had kept all of his letters from me and when he called she told him I wasn't there. She was keeping my dad from me.

My mom told me that he did some horrible things to her like: He stuck a gun up her vagina and said, "If I can't have you no one can." and that he beat her up all the time. She said that if he wanted me then he would write or call. And obviously I wasn't getting anything from him so I believed her.

Well I found out that I had a meeting with him and my step-mom, Tammy, and my new three sisters. At first I felt guilty about being excited because that means I gave up on my sister.

Well as the day drew closer I got more and more excited. When the day came I was counting down the hours. As I walked down the social worker place, I saw some one that looked like my dad. As I got closer I saw my little sisters and Tammy. My walk came to a jog really fast.

I sat there hugging my dad for a while; I think it was about 5 minutes. Those were the beat 5 minutes of my life. We went into a little room for a while and talked and talked. When the time came I didn't want to leave. I wanted my dad to take me home right then. When I got to my foster home I couldn't sleep.

I had two more blissful visits with them. Then there was a court date that would determine whether I was to live with my dad or not. When that day came I was in school. I was waiting all day for a call from some one to tell me whether I was to live with him or not.

Then in my last period class an office aid came in with a little piece of paper. I knew it was for me. It was. When he handed it to me I dropped it I was so scared. I didn't open it right away and when I did I stared to cry. This is what it said;

Jessica Miller-
The judge ordered you could go live with your dad. Will be at your house 4:00

I was crying so loud the class looked at me. I went out side. I was so happy. I got home and got packed in 20 minutes.

I drove to San Diego with the best parents in the world. It took a few weeks to get adjusted. I loved my newest family. I had an Aunt, Uncle, and two little cousins that lived down the street. I always hung out with Evan. That was my cousin that was two years younger than me. I was still 14.

A few months later I turn 15. I had a boy friend by then. He lives across the street. I had four best friends; my dad, Evan, my older sister, and last but not least Christina.

I started spending a lot of time with my boyfriend, and less time with Evan. Well Evan got jealous and started to get in between us. I noticed him trying to get my attention. So I got up and went to talk to him. He was saying a bunch of stuff like, I love my boyfriend more than him and that I replaced him. I got pissed and yelled, "Get a life and stop messing with mine."

He went home all sad and disappointed and slit his wrists. I knew it was my fault. I couldn't believe that I was responsible for some one I love hurting him self. I couldn't handle it. I went and started cutting my self again.

I was so pissed. I had no one to talk to. My step-mom and dad would try to lecture me. So I went out side o talk to my boyfriend. I was crying and crying. Tammy thought that I was outside laughing with him.

When I went in side I heard Tammy and my dad fighting over me. I got pissed off and before I went to bed I cut myself again. Now I was causing my parents to fight. I was doing that at my mom's too.

On the way to school the next morning, my dad was trying to talk to me about he whole thing. I yelled at him and slammed the door. I heard him yell for me to come back but I just kept walking. That day I spent in the office crying. Now I hurt the only one who could help me. Evan went to a mental hospital.

When I got home I talked it out with my parents and explained everything. I felt a lot better. A few weeks later Evan got out. I was so happy he was out I went over there to see him.

He was so drugged up. That place gave him a lot of drugs. I went into his room to talk to him and he gave me a big hug. His hands slid down to my butt. I freaked out and told him that wasn't cool. He apologized. Then he told me to lay with him in his bed. By this time I was very uncomfortable. I told him I had to go. He didn't want me to but I did. When I got home I told my dad what had happened and not to say anything to any one because of all the drama with him just coming home.

The next day I figured the medicine would be out of his system by then. When I went over there again he was the same way. But this time he was trying to rub my thighs. I went home and told my dad again. This time he did say something. That night I had a dream that I was hugging Evan And he turned into my Step-dad and raped me. Everything was worked out and it turned out to be his medicine.

A few weeks later my cousin and I were talking and he was pissing me off again. He started asking me if I would break up with my boyfriend. He told me that he had a crush on me and that he was jealous of my boyfriend. I told him that he should go home because he's going to get hurt again. I thought that we had spent enough time together that day.

He ran out the door and came back 10 minutes later. He took a knife from my kitchen and ran up stairs to cut him self. My Dad went up there and tried to talk to him. Tammy called from my aunt's house and I answered the phone. She was talking in a strict voice. She asked me what was going on. I don't think that she meant it to sound like she thought it was my fault but the way she said, "What's going on?" made it sound like she did.

I got pissed, once again I was responsible for some one I love hurting them self. I was having a fit. I needed to talk to some one. I didn't feel comfortable talking to my dad right then. My mom was on my bad side at that point. My friend wasn't home. My boyfriend was having his own family problems. My counselor wasn't there. I was freaking.

Then I asked my dad if I could go for a walk. He said yes but don't hurt your self. I responded with the first thing that came to my head, " I can't Brandon will leave me." I was realizing as I walked out the door that I could have worded that differently. Then my dad opened the door and screamed, " Brandon's not the only one in this world that cares about you!"

I went up to my usual spot at Pershing. I was sitting there thinking of how I could kill my self. Then my boyfriend came up the stairs and sat down next to me. He told me that my dad was really worried about me and that he told him to come talk to me and make sure I wasn't hurting my self.

Well, I have been fine since then. I have gotten pretty pissed at my self and, yes, I have cut since then but, yeah, life's a bitch and I don't know how long i can take it any more!