A flash of guilt squirms up my stomach as I turn from the lock.
Disappointment is pounding, rising in my throat to block whispered justifications.
A draining heart
and dizzy head
falling through the reality of my weakness.
Emotions pound
sensations narrow
My existence is only in the tingling need pulsing beneath my skin.

I've been here before, know what comes next;
The end a foregone conclusion.
One last hesitation
deluding myself one more time into thinking I could resist--
into believing it even matters.
Faltering breath teeters on the edge
of the dull metal imprinted in my trembling palm.

Memories swelling inside finally push me over the edge:
diving downward, spinning, swept
into fierce gladness! a whirlpool of black and red.
Pain's sharp euphoria rips down my arm,
shattering resistance and incinerating
regret.
I feel complete at last as the familiar sensations break over me,
As thought vanishes and physical ritual takes over.
Burning shock hurtling through my veins
Throwing back my head in purest relief
breath catching mid-gasp.
I close my eyes in prayerful gladness
Powerful emotions still rushing through me,
their consecrated vessel
these volcanic fissures in
my ice-cold skin.

I sink to the floor in glad release
bled of inarticulate emotions too powerful to contain
alone.
The stinging network of raised finger-pathways:
loving blessings to myself,
a silent rosary biting back against inner pain.
Wild cross-slashes dance across clearer vision,
protecting me
when no one else will.