March 15th, 2003

Why can't she be happy for me? Criticize and control. Can I never find my own way? I wait and wait, breath deeper and deeper, but I stumble then fall. It's only smoke, it will not burn, be patient with your pain. Silence, stillness - back at home - one last burn, please... it's over, it won't be noticed. I can go on with my life and it won't hurt as bad anymore - it didn't this time.

Numbing release of stinging toxins wash over me ... only for the guilt to return. I close my eyes and lay curled up tightly - maybe God will finally take me away and free me from my demons.