February 14, 2003

Naeman, the leper, I am she - in need of fleshly healing and spiritual cleansing. This isn't a solitary process but a communal effort. 'How isolated I feel and how I alone I let myself be when the walls come down and the fire burns free.

Fire purifies, right? And purification leads to freedom, yes? So fire means freedom... I think. Well, that's what I thought until I saw the circles on me - not circles of life or light but of pain and darkness - done all alone in the cover of night. I am but a shadow. The dim light that burns isn't hopefully or loving but desperate and fearful. Why now, why again? Why not? At least she asked me - I still haven't asked myself... well, I haven't let myself answer. Do I really care to know why I slipped? We all screw up - so let me be. No, wait. Please don't leave me - I can't do this alone - I thought I was strong enough, maybe I still am, but I doubt myself... once again.

Maybe fire just burns, burns like deeply buried anger that can do nothing but consume everything that touches it. Inside is this red flame that flows like a powerful river - full of desire and love and compassion. Maybe these are just weak spots that I see on the outside - places where the anger is surfacing and trying to escape. Please let it escape. This pain is less than that inside and more willing to leave - so mark its routes of release - let it see the light shining from outside the black forest.