I'm B and I'm 14 years old... I've been a cutter since December 27th 2002... I hate myself for it and I'm trying to stop but it's very hard. I feel so stupid 'cause I'm addicted to HURTING myself... it really doesn't make any sense...

Well... It started somewhere in November, I would have this awful feeling for a day or two. And I really didn't know what to do about it...

I guess the feeling came from just feeling lonely or something. It's not like I didn't have any friends but just, friends that weren't really like me u know. I was kinda "transforming" at that time. I only wore black and stuff... And "gothic" (as I'm called now) was kinda new in my class... I got a lot of comments, not only negative, but a lot of comment. And there are other -alternative- people in my school but I didn't know them... and as far as I felt they thought I was -fake- or something... anyways school was very boring (omg ~newsflash~) no seriously... it was awful... not just the lessons but the breaks were awful, always the same boring etc. it may sound stupid, like "stop whining" but it just made me feel lonely.. and I couldn't share my interests... at that time I started writing poems... it worked for a while, I posted them on a message board and it always made me feel so happy when I got positive replies... checking the message board was like my highlight of the day... (that bad yes...)


Then at the end of December (27th to be exact) I was in a terrible mood... it was really bad, just the smallest thing that would sound a little negative would (almost) make me cry. And I believe my parents were away... so I took a knife from the kitchen, went upstairs and just cut myself... in my arm... I hate to say it like this but it was such a relief. I really calmed me down. Blood was dripping so I took a book (blank paper) and let it drip on that, so my parents wouldn't find any blood... I wrote the date (December 27th) on that page...

The next couple of days my mood really cleared, but after a day or four I felt as bad as before... and I considered cutting again, but I told myself I shouldn't depend on a knife... I went on msn to get some distraction but it wasn't enough... later I convinced myself that it would be the last time (or at least one of the last times) that I'd cut... so I went to my room again and cut myself, my arm again... (not my wrist btw... it's definitely not meant as a suicide attempt) and again I let it drip on my book and wrote the date with it...

So it went on and after a while I'd cut myself every day. And every time the cuts got worse (read: deeper) The book I used is now kinda like a diary... my cutting diary, it's like you can see how depressed I was at that time... then around February things lightened up, I got to know a really cool boy from school, for me 'the cool cute alternative guy that knows everyone' and I was so happy when he told me he loved me... and 'cause I knew him I got to know all the other cool people in school, they're all so funny and kind and sweet and I was so happy. And I told my bf about my cutting-problem... He immediately told me to stop it and he was very sweet and caring, he wrote poems for me and stuff... and I promised him never to do it again... only he and my best friend (also a goth... and he also cuts) knew I was a cutter... but then about 4 weeks ago or something, it was all bad again... I had one of my depressed moods and my bf was acting kinda strange on msn (at least that's what I thought, could've been the mood though) and my mother was asking all this stuff about school, (I've skipped school for like 4 weeks in total I think... but she doesn't know... THANK GOD) and everything hits me like 10000000000000 times worse as normal at those times... so though I promised my bf I wouldn't do it again I d?d do it again... and pretty bad... it was one of my worst (seeing my "diary")... I told my bf and now he's acting all weird about It... at first it was like: "nooooooo don't do it QUIT... etc etc..." and now it's like: "I don't really mind anymore... ok it's bad... but everybody does it and I don't really have a problem with it as long as you keep away from your wrists..." I should be kind of happy with that 'cause then I don't really have to feel guilty... but I feel stupid 'cause what really kept me off cutting ('cause in those "happy weeks" I sometimes did one to cut really really really bad...) was that I had promised him... and now he's like all not-caring... (we're together for a month, 3 weeks and 2 days now)

And last friday was probably my worst day ever... I stayed on msn as long as I could... hoping it might go away or something, but it only got worse...

By the way, I told some more friends about my problem, so I had to promise more people that I would stop, and they were all very sweet and caring and told me not to do any stupid things... and I said I couldn't promise...

So finally at eleven (I had been on since 7 or something) my mom yelled for the 2Ost time that I had to quit right away... so I did... and went up to my room...

And I couldn't fall asleep, and felt worse and worse...

So I took my knife again... (omg I just said MY knife... *sighs*) and that was the worst ever... about 15 cuts on a very small part of my upper arm, I just couldn't stop... and speaking in terms of my "cutting diary" it was like a whole page red... a fucking whole page!

...god I hate myself...

I think my left arm has about 30 / 40 scars now... all pretty clear ones... =( 5 on my knees I think and 1 on my right arm...

So I hope I'll be able to cover some...

with summer coming...

(god I hate myself... it's fucking addicting...)