My name is Jennifer. I am 31 years old and started cutting when I was around 11-12 yrs old. It started out so simply. A scab that I wouldn't let heal, a small slice with something (anything) sharp, a cigarette.

I grew up with both parents in the home and a sister that was 6 yrs younger than me. I resented her for being born because she "took away" the affection of my parents. Or so I thought with my 6yr old wisdom. My mother was ill many times from my age 6 until well into my teens. I felt so abandoned by my mother and so confused about who I was inside.

I must have been 11-12 the first time I really felt the need to hurt myself. I had always had a morbid curiosity with scabs and wounds. Picking at the scabs to make them bleed, etc. One day I was feeling so lonely and had just got punished for something my sister did. I made a small cut on my arm and watched the blood lightly flow. Something about watching the blood drip down made me feel better. It was like letting the pain and anger flow from my body. I knew it was wrong, yet it felt so right.

As I got older, I was able to cope day to day. The minute things got hard, I was back at it. This time the cuts were getting deeper, enough to really let the blood flow but not enough for stitches. I had developed a taste for cigarettes and found that the lighter made the neatest smiley face burn on
your skin. Junior High was when all of this was at its all-time high. I smoked pot, tried cocaine and had sex from age 13 on up. It was like self medicating every pain I was feeling. None of it masked the pain like cutting.

Once I went into Senior High, my life started to ease up a bit. I don't recall very much cutting because I was happier at a different school with different friends. My stupidity led to me being pregnant at 17. I gave up drugs and gave birth to a healthy daughter. This was 13 years ago.

I married her father and it lasted for 18 mos. Here I was a 19yr old with a baby on my own. This wasn't my life! I was supposed to be better than this! For the next five years I struggled to be a good Mom and put her needs in front of my own. I remarried when she was around 10 years old. My husband
and I struggled to keep it together but we sank into drinking together to numb the hurt we inflicted on each other. At this time I started burning myself with a cigarette to cope. Back to what I knew best. I was cutting again and did everything to conceal it. We separated after a year of marriage.

I knew that I should seek counseling but I was so mad at myself for being"weak" and unable to solve my own problems. We tried reconciling but it took too much out of us. We have decided to divorce.

Last fall my daughter started junior high. Two months ago the counselor calls. She has been cutting. I was shocked. I cried with her about the regret I felt having had cut myself and telling her I understood. Things have been better and she hasn't been cutting lately. I fear that I know where this will lead. I struggle day to day lately not wanting to cut myself for my pain, for my fears, to make me whole again. I did break down and viciously attack my upper arm one morning. I hurt so bad for my daughter and for myself. I had to seek help.

Ironically I read the book "A Bright Red Scream" two weeks ago. It validated all of the feelings I had have and have. It also made me think about cutting again. I went to my doctor last week and asked for some medication and a counselor referral. I think it will help.

It is hard baring one's pain. By doing it this way I hope to connect with others who are struggling with the same feeling and/or confusion. Feel free to e-mail me.