I'm 41 now, but started Si when I was around 12 yrs.old. For many years it took the form of only cutting. Both my arms are scarred from shoulder to hands. Some of those cuts were so severe that I missed a tendon only by a stroke of luck. Once I even sliced my face open with a razor blade. The doctor who stitched it up told me at the time, "I'm going to make this hurt so that you don't ever do it again." Boy did he miss the point!! I was in and out of the hospital as a teenager for my cutting many times. Back then it seemed no one had a clue about this illness. I hid the cutting for a long time. But then I stopped trying to hide the scars. Not that I wanted attention for it but it became to difficult trying to hide the scars. I have always been a very private person and do not like attention drawn to me at all.

Over the years myself injuring has taken many forms other than just the cutting. Alcohol abuse, anorexia, etc..

About 1 1/2 yrs.ago the pain and stress became such that I shot myself. Others believe that it was a serious suicide attempt, but in retrospect I know that it was just another form of causing the pain that I seek when stress out, depressed, angry or whatever. It was in winter and I had gone to a remote area and with a large caliber rifle shot myself in the stomach. With my guts literally hanging out I managed to crawl out of the woods and into my truck. I drove about a mile before getting any assistance. I was left realizing that there was really no other choice, I couldn't go home in that state and have my children find me. Your choices are limited when your guts are hanging out.

While I was in the ICU unit my therapist made a point of traveling from another state to personally fire me.

Since then I have not been able to find ANYONE willing to work with me in counselling or prescribe my meds. You wouldn't believe the number of rejections I have received!! All I can figure is that its all about liability.

My propensity for such enormous self harm is scary. I want help, especially knowing how easily I get stressed out. As sick as it sounds and I do know that it is sick, I at times still crave that pain and blood as I experienced from the shooting.

Hurting myself is momentarily a pressure valve and I feel so much more relaxed after.

I am frustrated with the mental health system and fell so let down by them. Aren't they in their profession to help people like us??

I have seen myself injuring grow worse over the years,and seeing this and knowing it is very disturbing. SI doesn't get better with time without the proper support. In my case it has only grown and festered. I can only hope that others will be able to get the help and support that we all as SI's so desperately need before it grows to the extent of mine. I can only hope and pray also that are do not face the same prejudice and rejections from the mental health professionals that I have.