the tea leaves spelled
my future,
they stirred uneasily
as i sipped.
i didn't mind the temperature.
it reminded me of the
easy, languid heat
of a girl's mouth.
i had almost forgotten
the taste of desire
in the ashes that i
found on the floor after
that boy-man from indiana
left me with his girlfriend's
name on his lips.
i had put my mouth
against the curve of his neck
while he smoked over my
head. this was the alternate
life where i had said yes,
where i had not let my
voice grow cold on the telephone.
the telephone that had
connected us like an umbilical cord.

here my flesh still remained
taut over ribs that held my lungs.
i felt i had stepped on those
lungs when i tasted his
ashen mouth and he didn't even
know what name to say.
he only knew the misshapen feel
of my flesh where it ridged into
pale white. he never even noticed
that the goosebumps had crept
underneath my very skin.
he only knew the feel of my skeleton
lurking, waiting to pronounce itself
once more when i let the look
of me disappear into a mirror.
he only knew that my lashes
hid my eyes when he looked at me.

except i had called him and threw
myself out of the leaky raft he
had thrown me one afternoon
at university, with the sky
empty of all but the sun.