"I dont know where to start. I'm a bit odd but not too odd. A bit of background, i'm currently in year 11. i'm Sammy, got an average amount of friends, my home life, uuhhh, my dad works constantly and kinda isolates himself, i think me and him get on quite well because we actually talk, My mother, is an alcoholic, who is also anorexic, she's recovering but not herself, she got hospitalized sometime may 2007, for two weeks, they literally gave her a new life, made her healthy, told and gave her everything she needed to be healthy again. My parent's don't get on as my mum does nothing and my dad works all the time. My mum tries to put everything onto her problems but she doesn't care about her problems. I'm also a mentor, so i (now) know the phases of self harm and how it twists you.

Christmas 2005. I had some time off school (i was.. "ill" ) and over that time i became very paranoid (for no reason) that everyone around me was going to die, and i was really paranoid if my dad didn't come home from work on time or something i'd start shaking. Over that time i thought about suicide frequently, but i don't know how serious i was, i was just very, paranoid about everything. That was the end of it on the 3rd January 2006 when my Mum forced me to go back to school after the Christmas break, that was the end of it.

It started sometime around mid 2006. i'd only just got my laptop and wireless, i was in my dads room on his bed, and i was looking at display pictures, and there was some "emo" (or then emo ones) and i just went into the cupboard and got a razor, well, the disposable blades of a razor, and cut just on my right elbow, the first time i'd ever cut, so it'd look like a scratch or something, but i forgot there was two blades XD. It was only just enough to bleed, it scabbed pretty fast and then went away. For some reason, i suddenly felt "cool". Then for a while after that, i began to cut, i suppose it was quite a bit but i can't remember, it wasn't deep at all. It would only just be enough to bleed and that would be it. I'd already feel better. Then when that had happened for a while, i'd heard that you could get addicted to self harm, so i put myself onto a "recovery plan" with my best friend (to help me out) for six months, and i'd monitor my own progress, to cut self harming out of my life. It wasn't too hard because i wasn't addicted. But then whenever something bad happened that would be when i'd need to find something to occupy myself with.

I didn't think about self harm properly for a while. i decided that i didn't need it and therefore i just didn't do it. Whenever something properly bad (or i thought bad) happened, i'd punch something, or, kick something, or clench my fists, or, something like that, which i didn't consider as self injury, but it was. Also, when my (ex-)friend made me lose my temper, when i was mentoring one day, it was a Wednesday, i lost my temper totally, and kicked a wall. i had to go to hospital, suspected two broken toes. they were just bruised. Over the next month or so, my heel and ankle area were constantly swelling up and hurting, then going down again, and up again etc, so i went to the doctors about that, i'd got nerve damage in my ankle. Also, fast forward another few months, and the middle section of my foot kept hurting, so i went to the doctors about that, i'd "hurt" (i can't remember exactly what happened to it) the muscles there as well, the muscles that were directly "above" the toes that i'd hurt. Anyway, that was stupid and painful and still troubles me to this day.

Over the next, ages i didn't self harm at all, it didn't even enter my mind. A few months ago, i lost my temper for no reason, my best friend was with me, (still my best friend ) and i just grabbed my box of razors, and got one out, and just dragged it across my arm, it wouldn't stop bleeding. It was about an inch long and a millimetre wide, it bled for about 15/20 minutes, my best friend talked me out of going downstairs and telling my mum (Who still doesn't know about my self injury) and also stopped the bleeding, he's helped me through so much, and to this day (i think it'll be with me for life) i've still got the scar, It's just below my elbow on my left arm.

And now, well, recently i've been heartbroken and every day since then i've been going downwards into a pool of depression, and keep wanting to self harm, like, really really bad urges. I think i could be reading too far into it, but i've got all the symptoms of bi-polar disorder and depression, also depression goes way back in my family. For the past, six months or so, i've been depressed or going on "lows" around once a day, sometimes i just get tired and want to be alone, other times all that's going around my head is self harm, nothing but self harm, i have to sit on my hands so i don't hurt my self, i've had to wrap myself up before because the urges were that bad.

I get paranoid a lot, and i think i'm depressed or bi-polar. I definitely have some problem with self harm, i scratch a lot, but i also have eczema. I know it is, but i don't count it as self harm if it's just scratching, because i don't get a release that i do from cutting. I don't cut currently, but i'm struggling to fight the urges, i'm hanging on an everthinning string, and i hope it wont break anytime soon. But the psychological effects are hell, i get the urges so bad that they hurt enough that self harm wouldn't help.

Also, i know self harm doesn't help but when i go on a low, or whatever, it seems the best thing to do at the time. It feels like, i need something, i self harm/ed because of something deep inside me, i don't know what it is, but it makes me want to do it. This is probably all pointless anyway, it wont help, but you can have my words anyway. Self harm is vicious, even if it's only the thoughts, and your an ex self harmer, it's still horrid. What self harm can do to someone is terrible, to me, it's still totally messed me up and i don't currently cut. But i feel that i need to and struggle with it on a daily basis. I don't know what would be a step to sort it out. I'm a huge fan of music and SAW films, and the quotes from all of them really help me. "Pain: it's part of the puzzle" < So true to me, because there is pain everywhere. "Death, it's not that easy" < Death isn't a shortcut and it takes more courage to live through pain than to take the easy way out and commit suicide.

Some people may think i'm selfish or a bad person or that i can't cope, i care about everyone else more than i care about myself, and i don't know why i self harmed, it just helped at the time, but messes you up in the

long run.

I've recovered partly, i know i don't need it but i still really struggle psychologically with the effects of it.

It would be amazing if people wanted to contact me, people that are self harmers or were, or wanna talk, or anything.