I bolt upright, stuffing a fist in my mouth to muffle the scream.
I can't breathe, I can't breath
Open a window.
Stare outside at all the stars,
Inhale the fresh crisp air.
Let the cicadas sing to me.
Suck down a cigarette.
Calm my nerves.

Put in headphones.
The thumping bass of music in my ear hurts, but I turn it up louder.
It feels good. Maybe it will drown out my thoughts.
I mentally let go, let my consciousness ride the waves of
syncopated rhythms and roller coaster breakdowns.
The vocals weave in and out of each other in haunting harmony
The guitars, jittery and flailing like nervous insects
Screaming intricate emotions
And evoking memories I'd rather not stir.

Anger streams down my face.
Everything pushes at me from all sides.
I feel alienated and alone.
I swell with:
Frustration
Hopelessness
Desperation.
I know what will fix this.

I reach for my jewelry box, slowly pulling out gauze, alcohol, tissues… and a razor.
The blade hovers at my wrist, hesitant.
I close my eyes, bite my lip.
The razor stings me sharply and quickly.
I gasp.
Bright red scream.
Swiftly, the razor kisses my wrist again.
And again.
And again.
And again.
And…

Then I just sit, look at my handiwork.
I watch the blood stream down.
I watch my arms do the crying that I can't.
I eventually wipe myself up, bandage my arms.
Finally calm, finally satisfied.
For now.