Longing for death,

I'm suffocating.

I feel trapped,

Trapped in a body that I hate,

Trapped in a marriage with a man

Who doesn't care whether I live or die.

He says he loves me

But I don't feel it.

We sit on the couch and say nothing.

There is no passion,

No spark.

No remnants of the chemistry that we had when we were young,

If there was any at all.

Where is the girl that he married?

She is long gone,

Never to return.

She got sick of pouring her heart out over and over again

Only to receive silence in return.

Rejection…

Does he even care?

Nothing moves him.

Nothing stirs his heart.

He is as cold as stone.

I am sick of the sight of him.

His smell makes me nauseated.

When he kisses me I want to vomit.

I am living a lie,

We both are.

We make believe we are happy,

When inside we hate each other.

I know he resents me…

All the shit I've put him through,

He would be better off without me.

Why does he stay?

There is no hope,

It's never going to get any better.

Hope is for fools.

Hope is an illusion,

Waiting for something that will never come.

I have changed so much,

But he has stayed exactly the same.

I trusted him once, long ago.

I trusted him with my heart,

And he rejected it.

I trusted him with my feelings,

And he was indifferent to them.

I trusted him with my life,

And he said it was "my call," and went to bed.

I know that if it were up to me,

I would already be dead.

But Something always stops me…