The most wonderful/horrible/relieving/stressing feeling i've ever had comes when cold metal slices through my flesh, and crimson life slowly wells up on my arm, until it drip, drip, drips away over clean, unwounded skin. fire races through my body as i dab alcohol on the cut that opens a door into my self, the icy sanitized flames cleaning the blood in my veins and cleaning my soul. the pumping of my heart purges my body drop by drop of hate, sadness, love, anger, joy, depression, and most of all, longing. I die in my apathy. and love it. it's an addiction that is better than drugs, better than fun, better than tender smiles, better than loving touches, better than making something useful with your own two hands, better than praise, better than life. It makes you want to pollute the air. You want to destroy something beautiful. you want to hear a rabbit scream, you want to hurt someone. you want to do something just for the hell of it. You feel ALIVE!(But what good is it to feel alive if being alive is killing you so slowly on your arm and in your soul why can't we sell our souls and once their sold we're free?)
And then you get up, wash out the alcohol and blood in the bathroom sink, and put on your mask. you build up the walls( I don't build walls, i build clifftop fortresses with automatic cannons and a twenty four hour service militia armed with the latest gas-powered semi automatic carbine light weaponry, with orders to shoot down everything that moves for 2 miles in every direction. these orders supersede all other instruction from central command. If central command objects, CUT HIM DOWN like dry weeds. let the fucking blood drip out of his arms and arteries until he realizes this isn't called a coming out, this isn't quite a falling out, it's a fully fledged bleeding out. Exsanguination till he shrivels up into a ball of dust and blood and one little thought in the back of his stupid, dusty head saying, we cut again we FAILED again you failed!! ) that keep you from yourself, and go on with life. You're just as normal as the people you see on their way to work, driving their cars, drinking their Starbucks, slowly killing the environment with their gas emissions, slowly killing themselves with their Caffeine, slowly killing us all with their ignorance. We are all drowning in our schedules, grabbing at the Ritalin life-boats that keep us locked in society, behind bars of morality and lies. We are normal. There is nothing wrong with this. Laugh yourself to sleep, and remember that you can't judge a book by it's cover. The masks and walls of pretense turn us into the people that people know us as, and they never suspect that under the normalcy of everybody lies a monster. even them. One day you wake up and forget there is a mask, and you become the boring little good person who everyone knows and no one cares about, who fades into the crowd. Then one day you cut away the mask with a cold, shining, stainless steel Remington pocket knife.
FUCK REDEMPTION! FUCK FORGIVENESS and feel damnation!
Then, if your strong enough, let your tears and your friends save you from your sins.