I guess I started self harming when I was around 11/12. I had these false nails you see and was always fascinated on how they always seemed to look beautiful on the people on the TV but when I wore them they looked hideous. I remember one night when I had them on and for some reason that I don't know or don't remember pressed the false nail in to my skin so it left a dent which at that point in my life thought was beautiful. The pain that it produced wasn't a great deal but for some strange reason made me feel better. Soon after that it became an every few days type thing. I exchanged the false nail for a compass. Of coarse the fact that I hid it from my parents made me feel even greater. A few weeks later I read in my magazine a thing on self injury which I had never heard of. When I found out the facts I realized that was what I was doing, (before I just though I was crazy or obsessed with blood/pain,) and that other people did it, it made me feel more 'normal' I guess, that I wasn't alone. I remember one day in first year that the previews night I had carved beautifully straight lines in to my arm with a compass and when I got into school I had to wear a sweat band round my wrist to hide the marks. About half way though the day my then best friend asked why I was suddenly wearing a sweat band, my reply was that I had burned myself on the cooker and it was to stop it from hurting. She then asked to see it, so point blankly I refused. She then tried to pull it off my wrist but I was to quick and, panicked that she had saw my beautiful hidden secret I kept my sweat shirt on the rest of the day. Ever since that moment I decided that no matter how good it made me feel it was just to risky. So I decided to stop, it wasn't that hard since by stopping I was actually taking away the painful pleasure that cutting gave me was almost punishment enough. A year later I started again. At first it was just a little burn not much, then came the compass and the scratching started up again. But then I realised that razors was another way to relive the stress that I held up inside of me. You see I found and still do find it hard to realise my emotion. When I'm sad I don't let other people know that I am sad. I saw it as a weakness. When I am sad I feel like an open target so instead I put on an act. My most used role. The role of the 'Happy Girl'. I pretended everything was normal, like I was normal. So one day I secretly took on of my dad's shaving razors and peeled of the wrapper. But instantly hated even the though of dragging it across my wrist. Then one night when I was having one of my bad days as I call them I took another razor this time dragging it across my forearm, making it dig in as deep as I could. I watched as the blood trickled down my arm and waited for the feel good feeling to kick in again. I did this twice in total and afterwards felt great, the feeling I experienced I can't really explain but somehow I felt in control, like all my problems and emotions were suddenly disappearing and that I didn't have to play the 'happy girl' anymore because cutting made me feel happy. It took a bandage to stop the bleeding. The next night I did the same this time cutting another straight line and another one just below the others. Now, in total I had four deep cuts on my arms. They looked horrible but for some reason I felt happy, I found them beautiful. When they started to heal a little I put a few plasters on to cover them up after that I was back to the sweatband again. I told everyone who asked at school that I had cut my arm at home and told my parents that I cut it in school. I didn't cut like that for a few weeks after that, I just scratched. Cutting was my drug, my friend, my salvation. You see I didn't want to die even though I had imagined everything. Every single aspect of my death was imprinted in my mind. How I would die, my funeral, the afterlife, and how everyone would react to my death were all usual topics in my head. Anyway I didn't want to die but there again I didn't like living either. Cutting was my in between. But then I snapped out of it. I hated the fact that I was lying to everyone. The way I had to cover up all of my scars with a sweatband, bracelets or a long sleeved top. So once again I decided to stop. I hated what I was doing but more importantly I hated myself. I hated my life and I hated my school. I wasn't the social type, I didn't text my friends at weekends (to be honest I hate the way people talk in text code, one it's just lazy and two it makes you look stupid) I didn't hang around street corners getting drunk. When I did go out at night and hang around with everyone, I felt out of place, it didn't feel right. I tried everything to quit, I read articles in magazines but basically all they said was tell someone, how could I tell someone when I didn't know how they would react. I couldn't tell my friends because I didn't trust them and they wouldn't have understood, they would say that I was just an attention seeker. Even my close friends I couldn't tell, I didn't want them to act different, to pity me. I couldn't tell my mum either, I didn't want to disappoint her. I called child line a few times but hung up on the second ring. I called them once I think and had a chat with a woman about my problems, she was nice and somehow made me feel that she understood me. I decided that I couldn't tell anyone else and that I would just stop doing it, I looked up some websites about how to stop but still found it really hard. The razor was my friend, the one I trusted, the one I want to when I felt down it was the thing I looked forward to after school, the thing I would constantly think about. It was hard I don't deny that but eventually I stopped. No one hasn't found out yet and I hope that they never do. I still have to live with the scars though. The scars on my forearm are still really visible and I have some faint ones that you can see if you look closely. I still have to cover them up with sweatbands, bracelets and long sleeved tops though. Giving up was hard and I hope I don't start again, sometimes I find myself wanting to go back to my old habits though, but at least I get to play my all time favourite role. The Happy Girl.