Hello, I'm gonna be sixteen in a few months, and I've been cutting myself in a way for the past maybe four six months? I don't remember anymore. I started off doing things like scratching my hand till it became swollen, using rulers to scratch myself, hell anything that was sharp, I used. Then I found out my friend was cutting herself. I was disgusted at first, and tried to get her to stop. But slowly, I got tempted to try, and before I knew it, I had bought a blade, and there were three slashes across my arm.

That was several months ago. I feel ashamed in a way, that I can't bring myself to cut deep into my hand. I hate that despite how much I want to see the blood flow from my arm, despite how much I want to feel more pain, I can't cut deeper. I always make such shallow cuts that never hurts long enough for me to feel better. & in a way, it makes me feel extremely lousy, that I'm such a coward that I can't just go deeper.

I wanna stop cutting actually. But at the same time, I can't bring myself to stop. When I'm cutting myself, I don't feel anything at all. In fact, everything is numbed. My emotions are practically iced over. & that constant feeling of hurt and loneliness disappears. But somehow, long after I stop, when I look down and see my hand, feelings of self-loathing, guilt and disappointment resurface. Then, all I really wanna do is beat myself up.

I hate the person that I am now. I hate that I'm always so anti-social in so many ways, and that I always chase away the people around me who care for me. There are many times when I want to be alone so badly, & when I'm finally alone, I dread it and start to wish for company. Most people shy away from me now and I don't know, I can't say I blame them much.

I don't really know why I suddenly had the urge to write this. Maybe 'cause I just started on a new round of horribly shallow cuts, and I've never felt so alone, without anyone left for me to confide in. I'm sorry this is all in dribs and drabs and not really worth reading at all.