Hi. My name is Kristyn and I'm fourteen. Since I was little I've always been depressed to an extent I suppose. I've always felt out of place. I'm generally a nervous and shy person who always feels as if she is messing up. If I mess up in the slightest or do anything that is slightly wrong I can't get over it. I dwell on the fact for hours, even days depending on how bad it is. I never had a true best friend that I could tell anything to. I always wished I could move to a different school and start over so I could finally be the person I wanted to be, but that wish never came true. From fifth grade until seventh I believed I had a pretty good life. However, I came to a realization that my life wasn't all that great during eighth grade. In seventh grade one of my best friends Nikki told me that she cut herself. I was horrified and wanted to help her. I never actually got the courage to talk to her about it, and eventually convinced myself it had never happened. At that point I considered cutting crazy, but Nikki did it so I thought, maybe it's cool. I started to scratch my legs with my nails, but I never broke the skin. Soon after I realized how stupid this was and stopped with no damage done.

In eighth grade I fell in "love" with Brad. I had known Brad since kindergarten, but he changed in eighth grade. I couldn't spend a moment not thinking about him. I'm by nature very secretive so no one knew I liked Brad. I just hung out with him on the bus, and it was amazing. Not long after I started liking Brad, Nikki confessed she liked him. I was devastated. Nikki got any guy she wanted, so naturally I assumed she'd get Brad as well. However, he didn't like her back, and I was ecstatic. In October I started to do badly in Science. It devastated me. I'm normally an A+ student, but I couldn't get a good grade in Science. I despised the class and got a stomachache before going to the class each day. I suppose that's about the time I realized how unpopular I was. My best friend Katie had stopped talking to me almost altogether, and I never left the house. The only happy part of my day was my bus ride home because I got to hang with Brad for fifteen minutes. I didn't even like being home because it was full of homework, labs for science, and lonely weekends. Soon I started thinking about cutting once in awhile, but I never actually did it. In December things started to get worse. I started to get depressed at night for no real reason. One night, I finally finished working on a lab for science after hours of working. I then talked to my friend Rebecca who told me I had done the lab completely wrong, and I needed to redo it. For some reason this set me off. I started to cry and think about how I didn't have any true friends, that I was ugly, and that Brad would never like me as long as I lived. This is when I finally said to myself, "Why don't you cut yourself?" The thought scared me, but I went into my room and broke a mirror and slowly drew a line on my left ankle. The release was amazing, but I soon promised myself I'd never do it again. Unfortunately, I broke this promise. In January I told Nikki that I liked Brad and it all went downhill from there. So many people started to find out, and eventually, so did Brad. Brad made it pretty clear he didn't want anything to do with me. A chatroom which consisted of at least 20 people telling me I should kill myself started and I almost burst. I started considering killing myself, and I started cutting even more. Something finally stopped me in May.

In July Nikki found out about my cutting, and in August my mom did. However, I didn't see anything bad because I had stopped. I was over Brad. In August I got my first boyfriend, Seth, who ended up being a complete asshole. In September I thought I had acquired a STD, and I cut, on my wrist. Then I started telling people I "used to" cut myself, but secretly I was still cutting myself. In October I stopped because I finally became happy with my life. I completely adored this guy named Chris, and everything seemed great. I also met Jeff, who was really annoying and always making fun of me because of Brad. In November my Science teacher moved me in front of Jeff in class, and we started talking and actually became friends and I started to like him. On the last day of November I cut myself on my wrist for reasons unknown. But after my mom noticed, I stopped. At the end of December I started talking to Jeff online, and he confessed that he liked me. He asked me out, but I said no because I was shallow at that point. I thought people would make fun of me. In January I stopped caring. Jeff asked me out and I said yes. Yesterday was our three month anniversary, and I love him more than anything. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I've been reading things on cutting for the past few hours, and they've been rather triggering, but I think I'm going to be okay. And even if I did cut, I know I have plenty of people in my life that would try and help me. This is the first time in my life that I've ever been truly happy. Jeff is the best friend that I never had. I love him. And this time, it's really love.