I keep reading all of these stories and I think... she's been raped, her parents are dead and

all these other things what gives me the right to think that I could cut or burn. I am so thankful of what I have but it just gets to that point where what they see and what is reality is two totally different things.

I am not a cutter the sight of blood scares me, I want to die sometimes but to have my parents find me bleeding to death on the kitchen floor would not be my ideal death. I am a burner, I am a rare and disturbed creature.

The first time I did it was on Valentines day of this year. I used to do other things that hurt but that was the first major time.

I took a butter knife ( i know what you're thinking who hurts themselves with a butter knife, well, obviously i do) and I lit a tealight candle. Held the blade of the knife over the flame and when it got hot enough I pushed it against my wrist. I could smell my skin burning and feel it bubbling and sticking to the knife. I didn't get any really bad ones so i could hide them with my watch but they were still very noticeable. Well i pushed to hard once and for three days it pussed and bleed and i had to tie a cloth around my arm so my parents wouldn't wonder what it was.

But see i work at a subway so you cant wear watches so everyone there wondered what it was from

i would tell them that it is a burn from our heat stove. they would believe me too because i am a happy person...

I love to fall asleep to the feel of the serrated bumps on my wrists sometimes to just feel the scars is good enough to make me feel relaxed. But see i have a big problem the guy that i like now is a really religious guy. But he is such a sweetheart, but i know he would never want this for a girlfriend and his parents are really strict so i'm worried. My best friend has started because of me and i'm worried that he'll like it too much.

I know i should stop but i'm not ready... I don't know if i'll ever be ready