I have been a self injurer, for about 3 years now. It all started when I was 11. I suppose I was just a confused child, but I don't know. I saw Girl, Interrupted, and cutting just looked interesting. So I stole one of my mother's swiss army knifes, and I tried it. I guess I liked it. Maybe a week later my mother caught me. I couldn't believe it, I was so ashamed. She told me to stop, I didn't.

I got into trouble with some pills that I took to school, landed myself in a discovery program. It was supposed to help me stop cutting. It didn't. But that was because I didn't want to. I had no intention of stopping, I needed the pain, the relief. When I cut, the mixture of blood, and pain just made me feel, it reminded me I was alive.

I was never abused, I had and still have a wonderful life. My family is great, they love and support me. I have one brother, we fight, but we both still love each other. I never had many friends, but I've always had at least one I can always talk to. But what gets to me, is all my rage and self hatred.

I don't feel I deserve anything, I feel I should be an orphan. I don't deserve this wonderful life I have. I'm a selfish brat, I whine and whine until I get what I want. I always have. No matter how many times I try and tell myself I'm a nice and good person, there are always times I would just like to kill myself so others don't have to deal with me. My mind works in odd ways, there are so many different theories I have for my life. When I think about suicide, I feel I should commit it, and when I realize I would never do it, I feel selfish. Life has never made much sense to me, all I'm sure of, is that I don't like it.

I go through periods of cutting, and periods where I don't cut. I have scars everywhere. Some deep, and some not. I have a huge scar on my right arm, because I'm right handed, and had no room to cut on my left arm. I hate when they gap like that, it makes me sick. But at the same time, I have to go deep, I deserve the pain, and I need that relief.

I've always likes bruising too, I have an obsession with bruises. I like the way they look, how they hurt when you press them. I've burned myself too, but that kind of pain is a little much for me. After my parents finally began to trust me again, I started cutting, sneaking out, partying. I've been smoking since I was 12. I'd never quit, it's just something I need, like cutting. I drink, and I've done pot once, and plan on doing it again. Drinking is a big problem too, I love the feeling. I drink excessively if I can, because I'm afraid my drunkenness will wear off in a matter of minutes. Even if it won't, I'm afraid of losing the feeling.

I guess I have many problems. I've been diagnosed with depression, and have medications for it. But I hardly take them, I always forget. But when I do, they help. I also have an Eating Disorder. But I'm not sure anymore. It's hard for me to starve myself. I give in so easily. I've purged many times, and I love that too, it's a feeling of release, like cutting. But I guess I'll be this way forever.

There's too much rage inside me, so much rage for myself, and this world. I really do hate living here, too many people rushing around, no time to slow down. I feel like I'll never find serenity. No matter what I do, the only relief, the only stop sign in my life, are my destructive behaviours. When I don't cut, purge, starve, I feel like I'm running out of time. Like I'm never going to be okay. Maybe I won't ever be okay, but at least I have an escape. Through my self destruction. It won't end, but that's because I don't want it to end. You have to want something, to obtain it.