i haven't cut for about a year but i don't consider myself recovered i don't think i ever will i still get urges, i still want or need to cut i don't know how i cope with them, i just ignore them and wait for them to disappear again, but the feelings always come back.

i hate myself for being so weak, and for craving the pain and the release it gives me. I wish i could explain to someone the feelings i get. The way my head feels when i want to cut, not my mind, but my brain, like theirs a sea inside my brain and the waves are causing my whole brain to sway, i heard that depression is an imbalance of chemicals in the brain and i wonder if you can feel the imbalance like scales with one side heavier than the other.

i was talking to my sister a few weeks ago and i was saying that from the age of 11 to 18 i don't remember being happy, but actually i do, cutting was what made me happy, well not exactly happy but made me feel better, its hard to explain.

I wish that i wasn't so alone, i mean i have family and friends but none of them understand, none of them know the feeling of a blade digging into your skin, i wish there was someone who really knew me.