To me, cutting was the loudest way to scream.


I started cutting halfway through my 8th grade year. I went to a small country school and it was such a shameful and hurtful thing. Being raised in the background i was raised in these things are simply not done, not talked about. It's like they don't exist. I guess I better explain my story...

My parents divorced when I was 6. It was a very messy divorce and they fought and fought and fought. They are very intelligent people but let me tell you they act like fucking toddlers sometimes. It hurt a lot. I don't want to give you my whole freaking story and all the other molesting shit that went on with other members of the family, but just so you get an overview...It happened. I switched houses all the time, mostly because I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings by saying it was tearing me apart to keeping packing up my life each week so I tried, unsuccessfully, several times to tell my father I needed one house for my sanity, not because I hated him..

Let's just say that didn't go over well. I think that's why I turned to cutting. It just lets all that emotional frustration and anger and hurt out, everything I couldn't deal with or make right...it just all went out through that fucking scratch on my arm. Oh God, it hurts so much to talk about it. It started with safety pin, but that was slow, obviously. I later used scissors and then started taking the blades out of my disposable shaving razors.

Every time that I cut it instantly let all that emotion I was bottling up out. It scared me so much, but it just felt so much better. Well now I am 14 and have (had) been cutting for almost a year. I finally refused to go to my father's house and in return when i left he went through my room. He found (and read) my diary, most of which was written before or after I would cut, went through all the things i left, and discovered i was a cutter.

He called my psychologist whom I had been seeing regularly for years and my mother. I was at a friends house at the time. He called me and said "I know" I was like whatever. Basically everyone found out and i'm
working on it so hard with my psychologist and my mother. I don't want to do it, deep down i know how much it scared me.

Its not worth it! TRUST ME. I know it hurts so bad I know. But I can tell you from experience, if you've taken the time to read all this you are worried too. Its not worth it. I use a rubberband to snap my wrist
when i get frustrated. I cry i SCREAM and sometimes I just take a nap. It's SO hard not to, i KNOW. Just please know people care about you and love you. I may sound like an ignorant attention seeker; I'm not.

I actually don't have a clue why i decided to write to this. It was some random thing that has actually taken a very short amount of time. I just wanted to give a piece of hope to anyone who wants it, i guess. I also may sound like I'm trying to be wise beyond my years; I'm not.

The situations my life has given me have made me an incredibly strong person, I know that I can handle anything, even if I choose to handle it in the wrong way. Like cutting.

If you're like me the words "self-mutilation" just piss you off. All the informational movies my mom has ordered for me just annoy me. But I'm certainly not discounting all the research. Almost everything I've
ever read about cutting has been true, at least from my point of view. It releases all my frustrations and hurt, basically, in the words of my therapist, it's the loudest way to scream.


So please, please, please try and get help. You can get through this, and i know it might seem likes it not worth it to give it up. I've spent hours and hours thinking about it. I am proud to say I haven't cut in over two months. I want to let you know that no matter how hard it is to deal with all the FUCK you have, you can do it. You really can.

Wishing everyone the best of luck and all my hope for yours (and mine) future.

You are in my prayers;
Just another teenage cutter.