I am a 22 year old African American male. I started cutting when I was 18 years old. When I was 15, I would cut but I didn't make it bleed. I have been suffering from mental illnesses since I was a young boy. I tried to kill myself by overdosing on my medication in September 2005. I blacked out while talking on the phone with my friend. I blacked out. Her husband is a police officer so he was able to locate my address on the computer. I woke up in the hospital, I kept blacking out though. They asked me who the president is and what's 2+2? I didn't know. I spent 4 and half days in the mental hospital.

The reasons why I started cutting is because I was always the blunt of the family. My sister said I am an embarrassment to the family. Everybody is successful and is doing well in life, but me. My sister is getting ready to buy a house, my mom has a house and is making a ton of money, and my brother has his own business and is doing good. I am nowhere in life. I could have done something on several occasions and I have tried at some point to do, but ended nowhere. I had friends who were using me for my car, which now I have to buy another one since I was riding them around all the time. I could never fall in love. These women I had liked they like thugs and roughnecks. I guess what they say is true "nice guys finish last." I am learning to stand up for myself though. One of the women I had liked, liked sleeping around with guys all the time. I used to go all out for her, doing things for her, and she broke my heart. I also developed an eating disorder, bulimia, when I was 18, 19, or 20. I hated it though, I used to force myself to do it. I needed to lose weight, I still do.

I could have killed myself cutting, I had cut sometimes right on the vein. Sometimes I didn't really care though. When I would see blood I would feel better. There is a song by a famous rapper called "Life's a Bitch" it's true, but it can be good to you at times. While I was hanging around my so-called "friends" I was snorting cocaine with them. It was good. I was an addict, I only did it every now and then. All it takes is one time and it could ruin your life. I hated life most, sometimes I still do, is because I really want to fall in love and someone to fall in love with me back. I would fall in love a lot to times, but they wouldn't fall in love with me. Like I said "nice guys finish last" women, not all women, like the thugs and the roughnecks. I fell in love one time and she liked me as well, but when she had seen me have mood swings and she didn't want me anymore. I have so many scars on my arms that it's not funny. It gets embarrassing when people ask "what are those scars on your arms for?" Life is a Bitch, but I have been doing okay. I have been reading my Bible and praying. I see a therapist every two weeks. I am in college now and I am thankful. There is still one thing I want and that is a girlfriend. I want that more than anything in the world. Life is the most important gift God can give anyone, next is a life mate. I want to have and to be with someone very much. I was raised by my mother and was taught how to be a gentleman. I am not saying that there is nothing wrong with me because I make changes everyday. I want so badly to be loved and to love back. I would do anything for it.