I've yet to master the survivor mentality. After being abused since I was at least 5 years old by both my parents and having to raise my little sister isn't okay to be selfish? I've cut, burnt, or picked my skin since I was maybe 7 years old, when I was sent to live with my grandparents. My family exiled me for 2 years while my dad was dying of cancer. I last saw him in his coffin. I was 10 years old when I first had sex with someone other than my parents, I was getting worse with the burning of my skin-I had to wear long sleeves a lot.

I never tried to kill myself, my sister was worth 10 of me and I live to this day for her. My mom unfortunately does too, she still beats both of us, and on her bad days sleep with me. Thank god I'm in college for 70% of my time I thank all the deities in the world that I have my education. Right now it's night, the only time my demons come back. I stopped cutting nearly 6 years ago, I started again in December, on Christmas day to be exact. My grandma is dying, my uncle is dying, and my mom is going through the loops of breast cancer testing. They found 2 lumps-she told me on Christmas. I couldn't handle it anymore, I took a nice long blade and tore my arm up pretty bad, so far I'm resisting temptation to do more, but it hurts so bad sometimes.

I kill the pain with booze, pills, and sex. I am only 21 years old and I can barely swallow nowadays, I'm a drunk, and I have herpes. How much more pathetic can I be, I don't think I ever want to find out how deep the barrel is. Places on the web like this help save my life/sanity. I'm surprisingly able to function in everyday life, I have a job, a big social life, and lots of good friends-yet everyday I wake up wallowing in the fact that no matter how many people I help or how much love I'll have in the future I will always hate myself and love the bastards that broke me.