I'm currently fifteen. and for as long as i remember, i've been feeling like shit. maybe it all started when i was young. not loved, abused, misunderstood.
maybe i wasn't even meant to be born. what's the point, of being in this world, when it seems like you're not wanted, not needed.
and nobody loves you. to feel unloved, is the worst feeling ever. i felt unloved, what started with a few scratches with a pair of blunt scissors.
it didn't even break the skin. it was just for fun. for fun, till the day i started seeing things differently.

it got worse. i used a sharp metal object and
carved words in my skin, there was no blood, some occasionally, but hardly. it was painful. and i didn't know why i was doing it.
in oct 2004. i had a tutor who had been tutoring me for three months. he violated me during my exam week. that was when i snapped.
it was all fine, all endurable, all held in. till that happened. the penknife came, the blood came, and finally the pain left. only relief came.
i didn't feel, i couldn't feel. it was so fast i couldn't even catch my breath. it's such a daily, weekly thing. or whenever its needed.
one cut across, out comes a lil blood, then it got worse, more blood. more cuts.

the worse i did was twenty six cuts on one arm in one day.
and i don't even remember how or why i did it. i go to school everyday with a jacket. just to cover up my arms.
who understands? the world thinks people like this are crazy. i think not. i cut in the school toilet whenever i lose track of reality.
i'm just holding onto what's left. i'm doubting my sanity. how does it feel to be happy? i really do not remember.
this pain inside just wont go away, cutting comes, cutting is merely a temporary relief. when can something take this all away? and save me.
save the world, stop the pain. it feels so good to bleed, bleed it all out, just for that moment, let yourself go. i know what its like.
they say we're not sane to cut, what do they even know?

this world, it hurts me to think about my life. to think about pain.
but its just something that exists within. it seems like no one can take it away.

but i just wanna let everyone know,
nobody is alone. there are many of us out there.
and maybe one day, we'll forget all of this.
and leave it all behind. and this pain will finally disappear.

one day ...