I can not say I know how you feel or why you do this. But I can say that I feel and act the same way. I have had many events in my life recently that devistated me. All of a sudden I have this blade in my hand and I am cutting my arm everymorning (my worst time) I too am torn between being ashamed of not going deep enough and even after I cut myself I hate myself for it. But during the cutting I am in a trance like meditation. There has to be a better way then doing what we do. I wish I had the answer. And I wish you the best of luck.

i feel the same as you, but i have been cutting for much longer and i hate myself for not being able to end my life compleatly. if you ever need to talk email me :)

You shouldn't think that because you had a sudden impulse to write this for everyone, that it's dumb. I'm sure that it helps so many people and they don't even tell you. I know that everything that I'm learning about SIers (through their stories) is helping me understand so much more. So, thanks. It sounds really cheesy, but it's true.

I cannot explain to you how much this reminds me of myself. I never cut enough for it to bleed much and I don't always understand why I do it. But I can't stop. I know that I started because I didn't want to feel pain....but that's like saying I'm a hypocrit right?.....

What you've written is worth writing, whether you have anyone read it or not. I read it. I relate to all of what you say. I push people away and feel frakish for it, like none of my contemporaries. i have to force myself to cut sometimes and when I do I chastise myself if the cut is shallow and starts flaking away within days. I have literally dulled my knife on my arms. I feel a pride in the bigger scars, it feels like a validation for the isolated, socially alienated position I am in/have put myself in. I don't understand it on a level that makes me want to stop. I understand the theories and psychology but it feels like cutting is my only out, it is all I have. My counsellor tells me it is not a good friend to me, the knife that is. i hear her but I tune out also. I can sense an almost palpable frustration if not disgust for what I do to myself from my family with whom I live, but I bare my arms for them to see! I want them to see! I've read the psychology journals, i know what that makes me, and still, I know tonight I will cut. Because last nights were not deep enough. But when they are, I am such a kind nurse to myself, and bathe them and clean them so carefully. There's probably a theory for that too. I write alot. No one has to read it, but its good you write. Writing is such a gift, keep on.